There have been times in my life when I made decisions out of desperation, like taking a job for the money. Despite providing some short-term financial relief, those desperation gigs didn’t work out in the long run.
Settling often feels like a necessary compromise when opportunities are scarce and financial pressures mount. It's easy to convince ourselves that any job is better than no job, leading us to accept roles that don't align with our passions or values. This sense of resignation can keep us in a cycle of unfulfillment, where the immediate need to pay bills overshadows our long-term goals and dreams.
While it’s practical to prioritize stability, consistently settling can erode our sense of purpose and happiness.
Today, I want to challenge the notion of settling and offer a fresh perspective to help you achieve your ambitions and also take care of business.
It has to do with values.
How Values Define Us
Values are what’s most important to us. They are universal because we all have values, whether we are fully aware of them or not. However, values are unique. No two people share all of the same values.
When we share values with others, we feel a sense of belonging and trust. When our values conflict with others, we feel angry, confused and upset.
It’s not unusual for people to step on their own values. Do you ever get mad at yourself? Probably because you’ve violated something important to you. And that’s the key to the perspective shift: be clear on which value you are honoring whenever you make a decision.
If you’d like to learn more about values, check out these posts from the archives:
Why We Sometimes Do Things that Don’t Align
Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should. Let’s draw some extreme examples and then move towards more a grounded example:
Just because you can eat a bucket of hot wings doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can run a marathon without training doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can max out your credit cards doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can cheat on your taxes doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can lie on your resume doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can apply to an opportunity you’re over or under qualified for doesn’t mean you should
Just because you can do the job doesn’t mean you should
There are reasons that we do these things. Everything from inertia and laziness, to seeking out thrills or quick fixes, to lack of self-discipline or executive function, to being a risk-taker or arrogance.
At the center of every choice is an opportunity to honor your values. If you value risk, thrills or quick fixes, then by all means, eat a bucket of hot wings, lie on your resume or max out your credit cards.
I challenge you though, to be clear on what value you’re living when you make choices. Otherwise, you are settling, which would eventually lead to stagnation and not meeting your potential for happiness and fulfillment.
Don’t Make a Choice from Desperation
Having clarity on what’s truly important to you will help you avoid making choices from a place of desperation that ultimately leads to nowhere or even down a dark alley.
Remember, values serve as a compass, guiding you through life's toughest decisions. By recognizing your core values, you can assess choices more thoughtfully and avoid knee-jerk reactions driven by fear or urgency. When faced with a difficult decision, take a moment to reflect on how each option aligns with your values. This can provide a sense of direction and purpose, transforming desperation into empowerment. Aligning your actions with your values not only leads to more fulfilling outcomes but also strengthens your sense of self and resilience.
Here’s how it works using the example of a diminishing bank account as the source for a potentially desperate choice.
“Mindy” is a single parent who lost her video rental business many years ago and has not recovered financially or professionally since. She’s worked a series of temp jobs and as a waitress, babysitter and sales clerk. A job opportunity came up in which she could make almost double what she was making from her food service gig, but it would mean working an overnight shift. She wasn’t certain she should accept the job because she worried about her teenage daughter being home alone.
Mindy was desperate in terms of cash flow and recognized that her emotions were clouding her thinking. To help her move out of desperation into empowerment, she took a closer look at her core values.
These are her ten core values:
Financial security and stability
Being a good mom
Eating healthy food
Having a clean apartment
Hanging out with friends
Music
Spending time with (extended) family
Education
Communication
Honesty
In talking through these values and how they applied to the job opportunity, Mindy could see how she would be honoring financial security and stability. But she didn’t feel she could be a good mom by working an overnight shift. In pondering what to do, Mindy chose to have a conversation with her 15 year old daughter to ask what being a good mom meant to her. The conversation would honor her values of communication and honesty.
Mindy’s daughter said that she knew how much stress her mom was under when it came to money, and she felt guilty whenever she asked for something. She also felt like Mindy was over-protective and that she didn’t need Mindy to “babysit” her. Her daughter told her that she felt safe being home alone at night, and she actually liked the idea of making breakfast for both of them before she headed off to school. The extra money from the new job would release financial stress, and they might even be able to afford a trip to visit Mindy’s family, who lived on the opposite coast.
In reconnecting with her values and consciously honoring them, Mindy was able to move out of desperation into empowerment.
My first experience with the power of values was in high school when I cleaned houses and worked at McDonald’s. I hated both of those jobs, but I was desperate for money and needed to save for college. Education has always been a core value of mine, even though I didn’t have the language for it at 17 years old. I was able to change my perspective from being grumpy at scrubbing toilets to feeling proud that I was using these jobs as stepping stones to achieve my dream of higher ed.
BOTTOM LINE
As we navigate the complexities of our careers and personal lives, understanding and honoring our values can be transformative. It's not always about the perfect job or the ideal circumstances but about making choices that resonate with what's truly important to us. This approach not only aligns our actions with our values but also empowers us to find fulfillment and satisfaction in whatever we do.
Consider the values that guide your decisions. Whether it's financial security, being a good parent, or personal growth, let these values lead the way. When faced with tough choices, reflecting on these core principles can help you move from a place of desperation to a position of strength and clarity.
Remember, every step you take in alignment with your values is a step toward a more fulfilling and authentic life. By honoring what matters most to you, you can navigate challenges with resilience and purpose, ultimately achieving both your ambitions and a sense of personal contentment.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
Here are five journal prompts to help deepen your understanding of the concepts discussed in this blog:
1. Identify Your Core Values: Write a list of your top ten core values. Reflect on why each of these values is important to you and how they influence your decisions.
2. Reflect on Past Choices: Think about a time when you made a decision out of desperation. How did this choice align or conflict with your core values? What was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience?
3. Evaluate Current Decisions: Consider a current decision you’re facing. Write about how each option aligns or conflicts with your core values. What choice feels most empowering and authentic to you?
4. Explore Value Conflicts: Reflect on a situation where your values were in conflict with someone else's. How did you navigate this conflict? What strategies can you use in the future to honor your values while respecting others?
5. Vision for the Future: Envision your ideal life where all your core values are honored. What does this life look like? What steps can you take today to move closer to this vision?
WHAT’S COMING NEXT WEEK
Inspired by a reader's question about how to manage the weight of grief, next week’s blogcast takes the form of an advice column. I explore how changing your perspective can turn heavy grief burdens into lighter, more manageable experiences.
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