“Did you ever have a crush on a girl?”
My eldest daughter Mitzi asked me this question when she was about 7 years old. We were building a Bionicle Lego on the floor in her room, and she was nervous — her voice was a whisper. Despite the afternoon sun lighting up the space, it felt like we were on a secret spy mission in a dark alley and someone might be eavesdropping on a very important conversation. We had to keep our voices low.
“Oh yeah, for sure. There was this one girl that I could not stop thinking about. She had long blonde hair and I loved the way she would twirl it in her fingers,” I said.
Mitzi’s face went from anxious and pinched to surprised then relaxed. She popped a Lego piece in and just like that Atakus’ second blade was in place. And he was a formidable warrior.
About ten years later, Mitzi shared with me that she thought she needed to be a boy in order for girls to like her back. It’s in great part why she had buzz cut short hair and wore “boy” clothes from when she was about 3-years-old until 8th grade. Even when she got harassed in elementary school for using the girls’ bathroom, she refused to change the way she looked.
I wrote about Mitzi when she made the decision last year to not go to college after high school. It was a tough decision in the sense that there was so much pressure from her school and other people in her life to take a proven path. But it didn’t align with her values of financial responsibility, return on investment and clarity of purpose. She didn’t know what she wanted to study or what she wanted to do professionally. My husband and I supported her decision knowing she could honor our family value of education in other ways than college.
Mitzi did know that she loved photography, traveling and spending time with her girlfriend Zooey. So she got a job at Alfred’s Coffee Shop and saved aggressively.
In just a few days, she will return from a three month trip she and Zooey took to Europe. 🏰
To say I’m bursting with pride is an understatement. She paid for the trip entirely on her own and also planned the whole itinerary. I was ready to chip in and was looking forward to doing research with her and finding good deals. But she values her independence and I think she wanted to prove to herself that she could do it.
I was a little concerned about two lesbians traveling together for the first time in foreign countries - several of which I had never been to. I wasn’t sure if they might run into homophobia. Luckily, it was minor.
As Mitzi continues to find her way in the world, I’m grateful for Pride month. A time dedicated to the celebration and commemoration of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride. We’ve never been to a Pride parade together, but she has gone a few times. There’s that independence again!
The spotlight that’s created during Pride month not only brings awareness to LGBTQ+ people, it also celebrates (with reckless abandon) that love is love!
The hard truth though is that this type of love takes great, great, great effort to protect and nurture and normalize.
Pride month, for those who don’t know, was sparked in 1969 with the Stonewall riots in New York City. Stonewall was a bar for gay men (the only one in the city!) and was beloved for the dancing. What started the riots is still not clear today, but the story that came up most frequently in google searches centers on how police raided the Stonewall and roughed up a woman dressed in men’s clothing. A crowd erupted and that kicked off six days of protests. Historians say that this event changed LGBTQ+ activism in the U.S. One year later in 1970, Pride Month was celebrated for the first time.
One would think that 50+ years of activism would make a significant difference, but unfortunately it has not. In writing this post, I asked Mitzi and Zooey about the challenges they face.
OVER/HYPER-SEXUALIZATION
Some people only view lesbians as a porn category. So lesbianism becomes reduced to male-fantasy
A lot of people (queer or otherwise) have been conditioned to believe that the word “lesbian” is a bad or dirty word
Some lesbians themselves don’t like the word (Jojo Siwa, girl in red). So a lot will strictly say “gay” or “gay women” instead of lesbian(s).
MALE VALIDATION
Some women will kiss or hook up with each other purely for a man’s attention, which further devalues the legitimacy of being a WLW (woman-loving-woman). They don’t hook up because they like each other that way, but because they want men to see that and find them attractive
It reinforces the over/hyper-sexualization point
NO MAN = NO WORTH
“You just haven’t found the right man yet”. This probably gets said to gay men, but not to the extent it does for lesbians
Men have always been allowed to exist on their own, while women who exist on their own have frequently been socially shunned (e.g. witches)
Men are the head of the household, the ones who work to financially support the household, they are needed to reproduce (keep the bloodline going / survival instinct), etc. etc.
TRANSPHOBIA
Some lesbians are TERFs / transphobes
They feel threatened by trans-womens’ existence. They do not believe trans-women can be “true” lesbians because they were biologically born male.
Through my own research and observation, I know:
Starting a family as a lesbian is very very challenging. There’s a plethora of bias and discrimination, not to mention the incredibly high cost of artificial insemination, surrogacy and adoption fees.
We adopted Mitzi from China and have since discovered that China and other countries deny gay people the right to adopt. One of the women in our adoption group had to go to China as a single woman in order to adopt.
Lesbians are clumped together in one big group that encompasses gay, bi-sexual, transgender, queer even when there’s conflicting interests, challenges, and values.
When identifying a career or occupation, there’s often a “qualifier:” Lesbian writer vs. writer. Lesbian politician vs. politician. Lesbian teacher vs. teacher. You get the idea.
There are very few lesbian bars in the United States. WTF?
The discomfort of being an “obvious” couple in a sea of heterosexual couples which brings unwanted attention, scrutiny, curiosity and judgment.
So while I’m proud that Mitzi bucked the system and made her way to Europe for three months, I’m more proud that she continues to stay true to herself despite the challenges she faces and will continue to face.
Mitzi has taught me:
To make choices based on my values and not someone else’s. Mitzi made a difficult choice (due to adult and peer pressure) to not go to college so she could honor her values of financial responsibility, return on investment and clarity of purpose.
To trust my ability to problem solve when the inevitable mistakes happen (either of my own making or someone else’s.) Mitzi was scared that something might go wrong on the trip, but she buckled up and went anyway. And of course there were several times when her well-thought out travel plans didn’t quite line up properly. But she figured it out.
To never listen to the “gremlin” voices that say you should or shouldn’t do something. Those gremlins are out to keep you small and stop you from living your values. When you hear “should” that’s a clue that the gremlins want to stop you in your tracks. Mitzi battled several including a voice that said she should wait to travel until she’s older.
To design my life as I see fit — as long as I am willing to take action and make changes as needed. Mitzi wants a life of travel right now so she got a job, saved her money and stepped outside her comfort zone.
So while I usually write about career and dis-enfranchised grief, I’m going off topic in order to honor my values of courage, compassion and being conspicuous. I’m trusting my ability to navigate any push back on publicly supporting the LGBTQ+ community and Pride month. I’ve karate chopped the gremlin voice who says “you should stay on topic” and took action by drafting this blog so that I can celebrate both the little girl who wanted to know if it was okay to have a crush on another girl and the 18 year old woman who traveled Europe with her girlfriend.
What values do you need to prioritize to design the life you want?
I love to support ambitious, driven people who are feeling stuck and want to regain momentum so they can hit their next big goal. Want to explore working together?
If you’re resonating with what you’re reading, please consider subscribing. What’s that mean?
🙌🏾 You’ll receive regular emails (with lots of heart and a bit of humor) that share a tool or insight from my coaching practice.
🙌🏾 Typically the blog and podcast will have a question at the end to provoke thought that supports you in your growth.
🙌🏾 Updates on offerings, free stuff, recommendations, referrals.
My blog aims to help people achieve their ambitious goals, their moonshot if you will. 😃 Oftentimes, though, we neglect an essential aspect of pursuing our dreams: the inevitable missteps, obstacles, and failures that come our way. Failing to acknowledge and process these losses properly can lead to imposter syndrome, burnout, low self-esteem, confusion, and even result in completely abandoning our dreams. 😟 That's why I strongly advocate for embracing grief awareness (along with other tools like values identification, knowing your why, sharpening executive function, habit forming, and more.) By doing so, we can effectively navigate challenges, regain motivation, and hit our moonshots. ✌🏾️ If you know someone who could benefit, please share this newsletter or recommend me to them. 🙏
Lessons From My Kid 🌈✨