I don’t know a single person who hasn’t had the question “Is there something wrong with me?” creep through their thoughts. Some braver souls may actually ask the question out loud - longing to be told how they are not broken or are seeking validation that they’ve been right all along.
Typically this question comes after a disappointment, failure or comparing oneself to someone else. Here are a few examples:
You're under deadline and can’t seem to focus or block out the time to do the work.
A friend or colleague gets promoted or has a big win.
You put your heart and soul into a project and it’s not well-received.
You made a poor choice in accepting an opportunity and it didn’t pan out the way you thought … and maybe this has happened several times.
You’ve lost your drive and can’t get it back.
The only job you can get is beneath your talent, experience and skill set.
You’re fired, down-sized or laid off.
These experiences (and others) open the door for the question “Is there something wrong with me?” to pop its head in. The question is soul-piercing and creates doubt. The doubt can turn into a crisis of confidence. Imposter Syndrome bleeds in. It might feel like there’s no possible answer other than: “Yes, there is something wrong with me.” And that may create feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.
Sometimes the question morphs into a statement: “There is something wrong with me.” A dis-empowered identity begins to form and we use this as an excuse to stay stuck. Since there’s something wrong with me, I cannot possibly complete a project, network, get promoted, find a new job, feel excitement or passion again.
There are two ways to examine the question “Is there something wrong with me?”
The first is to consider that it’s a “gremlin” voice that’s out to keep you small and stop you from meeting your potential. We all have gremlin voices and they tend to get loud or show up when you’re on track to achieving your goals. It’s like a fly who comes out when you’re having a picnic. It’s inevitable that insects will be drawn to the scent and deliciousness of your food. You can either let them run the show, or you can create boundaries and ignore them.
The second way to look at the “Is there something wrong with me” question is through the prism of self-assessment. Highly recommend diving into this perspective vs. listening to the gremlin voice. How to do this:
Change out the question to one that is empowering: What is the data that supports the idea that something is truly wrong? What needs to be course corrected? Where is there room for improvement?
Grant yourself grace and give yourself permission to feel sad, bad, angry, upset. Then dig for what’s underneath that … what values have been stepped on as a result of what happened?
Now look at your side of the equation and what is within your control. Is there room for improvement? Can you work on your executive functioning skills? Can you create accountability? Can you seek out a mentor? Can you find unhealthy patterns?
Here’s an example from my life to bring the three steps alive.
When I was promoted from working in children’s programming into working on primetime shows like The Nanny and Early Edition, I had a lot of people who really supported me, and there were also several people who were skeptical of my skills transferring to a different day part. This manifested when I would walk on to set (as part of my job) and the other executives who were there would literally turn their backs on me, form a circle and ignore me. I believed there was something wrong with me because I struggled to be accepted and find a sense of belonging.
Eventually, I was able to ask myself a more helpful question other than “Is there something wrong with me?” The question became “Who do I want to be?” I didn’t want my words and actions to change negatively as a result of how I was being treated. I didn’t want others to be in control of how I walked through life. So I chose to honor my values of professionalism (being on time and prepared) and kindness (I never really know what challenges other people are facing.)
Changing out the question didn’t change the fact that my feelings were hurt by people turning their back on me. I felt sad, dismissed, and that I wasn’t worthy. In speaking with my friends, they validated my feelings which helped soothe the hurt. I was able to acknowledge that other people’s words and actions impacted me, and get some TLC. With my emotional boo-boo having been tended to, I was able to recognize that several of my key values were being stepped on by some of the people I was working with: inclusion, belonging, support, equality.
The next step was to look at my side of the equation and see what I needed to do to course correct. Where was I stepping on my values and where could I make an improvement? In looking at the situation, I saw that in my effort to prove my worthiness (of making the leap from children’s programming to primetime) I may have come on too strong with my ideas and thoughts. There were people that I was working with who had years of experience on me, and a depth of talent that was outside my abilities. I realized that I needed to slow down and listen more before speaking — and listening is one of my core values!
I also realized that I was in a corporate culture where hierarchy was highly prized, so being the low man on the totem pole meant I needed to pipe down and speak last (not first, if at all). While this stepped on my core value of equality and fairness, it was an unspoken rule set in stone. So I chose to honor a value that I held at the time which was ambition. I taught myself how to play the corporate game more adeptly even though it violated some of my values. (This ultimately backfired on me over time.)
The truth was that there was nothing wrong with me when I started the new role and had a learning curve. Were there things I needed to pick up on and adapt to? Absolutely. Was there a mis-match of values? Yes.
If you’re struggling with the “Is there something wrong with me?” question, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s most likely that gremlin voice that’s trying to hold you back. The best way to deal with it is to look at the data. What facts support this question?
I believe we all have room for improvement, but it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong. It simply means that we are dynamic, complex beings who are constantly reacting, responding, and adapting to new experiences. Grant yourself grace to feel your feelings and to be on a learning curve.
If you’re in the “Is there something wrong with me” headspace, what has triggered the question?
I love to support ambitious, driven people who are feeling stuck and want to regain momentum so they can hit their next big goal. Want to explore working together? Check out my website.
Save the Date! I’m co-hosting a three day retreat entitled Thriving After Job Loss: A Journey of Self-Discovery, Resilience and Renewal with financial wellness coach @KatyChenMazzara. May 26-28 in DTLA. Get a sneak peek and learn more at our LinkedIn Live this coming Thursday, April 27, 6 pm or secure your spot now here.
If you’re resonating with what you’re reading, please consider subscribing. What’s that mean?
🙌🏾 Updates on offerings, free stuff, recommendations, referrals.
🙌🏾 You’ll receive regular emails (with lots of heart and a bit of humor) that share a tool or insight from my coaching practice.
🙌🏾 Typically the email will have a question at the end to provoke thought that supports you in your growth.
Is There Something Wrong With Me?