What To Do With Your Sadness
Way back in the late 90’s, I was the current executive for the half hour comedy The Nanny starring @OfficialFranDrescher.
A perk of being the network suit assigned to the show was that I could bring my dad to set and he got a special tour and VIP seating to watch the taping. Fran was sooo lovely with the photo request and graciously said nice things about me to my Dad. He could not have been more proud.
The access to cool experiences like hanging with Fran is one of the many things I miss about my time at CBS. I also miss being able to say “yes” in the room when a writer came in to pitch, and seeing the look of surprise, delight and joy. (FYI, that doesn’t happen anymore - no one hears “yes” in the room these days.) I miss the trips to New York for “upfronts” when the shows I developed were presented to advertisers. Those trips had a lot of fancy dinners and tickets to Broadway shows. 😄
I’m not sure if I would feel any less sad if I had left the network on my own accord, but being fired from a job I loved that made my dad proud was really debilitating. Turns out I’m not alone in feeling sadness over losses in my professional life. Two weeks ago I shared this blog asking for permission to grieve and the response was overwhelming. This is what a few people said in response about their careers evaporating or projects dying:
😟 “I don’t think my self-esteem recovered and I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me ever since.”
😟 “When these projects don’t come to fruition, sometimes for the most ridiculous reasons, we are sad and feel as if we failed our child and everyone that was helping us raise it.”
😟 “I’ve never really recovered, emotionally or logistically, from being cut loose from that job.”
So what do we do with these feelings of sadness that go unrecognized by our communities (also called dis-enfranchised loss)?
I believe it’s important to create a ritual - much like when someone dies there is a funeral or a memorial service, or a wake, or dressing in black. Other cultures and religions have bereavement rituals like tearing a piece of clothing, sounding church bells, or creating an altar.
Ceremonies and symbols are empowering and profound tools help one get “unstuck” from loss and transitions.
Unfortunately, most of us have not been taught or given permission to acknowledge losses in a work setting because it’s perceived as unprofessional. So there are no “formal” tools to access. We must create them ourselves – and in creating a ritual we can rewrite the narrative we are holding, which is most likely harmful and hurtful.
Ritual allows new meaning to be found from dis-enfranchised loss. I highly recommend reading the book Rites of Passage by Kathleen Wall and Gary Ferguson. While the book is primarily about life transitions (youth, divorce, friendship, midlife, death), the concepts presented are applicable.
Examples of rituals that may be helpful to you:
💁🏾 Writing a letter to what was lost on seeded paper then planting it. This symbolizes how your pain can grow and evolve into something that replenishes the Earth.
💁🏾 Taking a rigorous hike to symbolize your ability to navigate challenging times, being conscious along the way of how the ease and effort of walking mirrors your experience of loss.
💁🏾 Creating a collage with words and images that visually captures the myriad of feelings you have around the loss — everything from love, hope, and excitement to frustration, confusion, anger, rage, sadness, and despair.
The key to the ritual is to have dedicated time and space, and to recognize that the purpose of the ritual is not to heal or make your sadness go away. It’s to help redefine the meaning and your relationship with the experience and feelings of loss.
About 8 years after my Dad met Fran on The Nanny set, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was at the same time that my boss started the five month process of firing me. I would fly back and forth from Los Angeles to Chicago so I could take Dad to his medical appointments and escape the reality of my career. My husband looked after our daughter during the week and I would return home for the weekend. I stayed with Dad in his condo and at night I would lie awake, my heart aching so much I had trouble breathing. Here’s the thing: I was relatively at peace with Dad dying - that felt “natural” and I could cope with that kind of sadness. But I kept hoping that I could control the outcome of my career and that’s why I couldn’t breathe.
A few days after Dad’s funeral, I got the call: I was officially fired. I didn’t know how to react or process that information. On the other hand, I knew what to do with my Dad’s death. My siblings and I ritually packed up his condo, each taking a few treasures to remind us of him. There was no ritual to say good-bye to my job and to help me craft meaning other than “I’m worthless” (and many other horrible thoughts I’m not ready to share).
It took years to find genuine motivation to keep moving forward in my career. Today, I now understand the power of ritual and have created ones for myself and others as a way to witness and honor the passion and love for what was lost.
If you’d like guidance around creating a ritual consider joining PERMISSION - a support group for those experiencing dis-enfranchised grief. PERMISSION is a confidential, intimate, sacred space for those in the entertainment industry who are looking to have their experiences of loss witnessed and validated. Through sharing, presentations and various exercises, participants will find community and connection as well as tools to find agency and meaning. Link here to learn more and sign up. Space is limited due to the nature of the group, and participants will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement.
If you know of someone who might benefit from this work, please forward this blog to them.
Comment below: what rituals guide you during times of loss?
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