I’m in a relationship with someone who is unreliable and I don’t like it. We’re working together on a high-stakes project and I’ve lost trust. It’s not the first time this has happened to me and I’m frustrated with my inability to navigate the situation.
Here’s the thing, Michael is the best in his industry and is highly sought after. His client list is overflowing due to his charisma, impeccable training, credentials and track record. I am lucky to be one of his clients because he is in high demand.
Michael also makes me nuts. He says he's going to send me a document by Friday (his deadline, not mine) and then the document doesn't show up. I follow-up and he sets another deadline of his own making. And misses that deadline too. This has happened about five or six times.
It’s slightly complicated because Michael is someone I like very much. He’s articulate, funny, explains technical information to me in a non-mansplaining way. I mean, how often does that happen?! He’s a unicorn amongst men. I would totally have Michael and his wife over for dinner.
Michael is also someone who doesn’t suffer fools and is a stickler for following industry guidelines. He can get ugly angry when someone violates protocol. I’ve seen him channel one of those prosecutors in the movies who relentlessly badgers the witness and shines a giant spotlight on every misstep, misdeed and mistake.
I’m so relieved that he’s on my side.
Annnnnd the project we are working on has a ticking clock and we are now in a situation where things could go south.
HOW DID THE TRUST GET BROKEN?
My core value of “Say what I do, do what I say” is being violated. Michael says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t do it. He may have excellent reasons why, but he doesn’t share and I don’t ask. As a result of one of my core values being stepped on, trust has been broken.
I’ve also lost trust in my ability to get my needs met. I feel helpless, hopeless, and powerless to rectify the situation. I’ve lost all agency because I’m scared to lose Michael and I’m scared the project is going to implode.
Hard truth: I’m also scared that Michael will find me displeasing if I share my concerns and as a recovering people pleaser that’s like a knife to my heart.
WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
You might be thinking, just talk to the guy about how unreliable he is. And it’s honestly on my list of options. Along with:
Suffer in silence. He’s the best and I don’t want to annoy him and have him fire me.
Ask someone else on the team to talk to him on my behalf. But they may not represent me properly.
Let him go and work with the second best in his field. Due to the nature of our project, I’m scared to not work with the best.
It’s been agony trying to figure out what to do and I’ve spent multiple therapy sessions on this issue.
THERE’S ANOTHER WAY
In sitting with my thoughts and BIG feelings over the last several weeks (and writing this blog!) I’ve come to realize that I do have another choice:
AND
Michael is the best AND he’s unreliable.
When we first started working together, I knew he was the best because I spoke to people I trusted that had worked with him.
It wasn’t until we began working together that I discovered that he is unreliable when it comes to submitting documents on his deadlines.
Michael is the best AND unreliable.
AND WHAT BECOMES POSSIBLE?
Agency. I am not hopeless, helpless and powerless. There are more choices available than what I originally considered. AND I have the ability to make a choice. I may not love the consequences, but that does not rob me of being able to make a choice.
I don’t have to continue to work with him. Yes, there are financial consequences and the risk of the project not going well increases. In sitting with those consequences, I find them to not be acceptable. I want the best and I don’t want to lose my investment.
While I can certainly have a conversation, or ask someone else to do it, I cannot expect that anything will change. I’m making an assumption that there is no motivation for Michael to change when he has an overflowing client roster. Plus he’s not a people pleaser like me.
What I don’t need to do is suffer in silence. By that I mean the fear I have of annoying him and being fired is a direct result of my own bullshit. I’m a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. There is no evidence that I have annoyed Michael nor that he typically fires his clients.
THE PATH TO ACCEPTANCE
In embracing AND I have new data to make a new choice and this new choice leads to acceptance.
Here’s the thing, if I knew at the outset he was unreliable with document delivery, I still would have chosen him. He has the reputation he has because he makes things happen.
I am accepting today that things will happen on his timeline, not mine. It may (and will probably) cause me some pain because what’s important to me will be stepped on: do what you say, say what you do.
But not everyone shares this value!
This choice is not cemented. If I get to a point where the pain is intolerable, I will re-evaluate.
I CAN’T CHANGE SOMEONE
In reflecting on the situation, I realize now I was simply not facing the hard truth. Michael is the best AND unreliable.
I wanted the truth to be that Michael is the best and does everything he says he’s going to do. My resistance to the truth was the cause of my suffering.
Wow. I feel lighter.
BOTTOM LINE
There are so many highs and lows when collaborating, and it’s not atypical for trust to be broken. Why? Because we have rigid rules of how people are expected to behave.
Embracing the hard truth that not everyone shares our values opens up a path to move forward and regain agency.
The power lies in accepting the 'AND.' Michael is the best AND unreliable.
It's not about suffering in silence or blindly delegating — it's about acknowledging the discomfort and making choices rooted in reality.
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
Here are three journal questions to help you deepen your understanding of when trust is broken:
Consider a time when trust was broken. What values may have been stepped on by you, by the other person, by the situation? What rigid rules of behavior may you be holding?
What does agency mean to you? Where have you lost agency and how might you regain it by using the power of AND?
How comfortable are you with facing difficult realities in your own life or work? Are there situations where you find yourself resisting the truth, and why?
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When Trust is Broken …