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There’s this guy with a hairy beer belly on Zoom who’s walking around without his shirt. He’s coming in and out of focus because he’s using one of those fake backgrounds —- a beach with a couple of palm trees. I can’t tell if he’s got pants on or his underwear or what.
The workshop hasn’t even started and I’m regretting signing up. But I’ve invested $495 for two days of reiki training and I hate to waste money. The thing is, every time I go to a health & wellness event, there’s always at least one kook. I can usually keep clear when we’re in person, but on zoom I can’t avoid him and we’re required to stay on camera.
A woman walks into Shirtless’ Zoom frame, her bright white caftan blows out the screen for a moment. She’s got a mane of long frizzy hair. A few strands get caught in her mouth as she peers into camera.
“Can they see us Thomas? How do I make the little squares bigger?” she wants to know, not realizing we can hear her.
Me and the other dozen zoom participants listen patiently as Thomas explains Zoom to “Honey Babe” and she eventually sits down. Turns out they met three weeks ago in Miami which is where they’re Zooming in from. He tells us how he’s a Buddhist and that he’s been to Indonesia and India while he stands behind Honey Babe and rubs her shoulders. He’s still shirtless and I still can’t tell if he has pants on.
I’m pretty sure they’re bumping uglies.
Thomas leans in to hog the camera and says, “I’ve got a massage table in case anyone’s interested.” He’s got a diamond stud earring in his left lobe. It sparkles and I think maybe they’re using a ring light. Not sure why this surprises me.
Honey Babe’s head pops into frame. “He’s got great hands,” she says.
The regret I felt a few minutes ago has blossomed into full-blown primal fear telling me to run, run, run. Fast, like a little bunny. But I’m a recovering people-pleaser so I sit there, frozen, because I don’t want to be judged for leaving.
My frozen state creates space for a question to form in my brain: Why am I here?
It’s a pretty even split between wanting to learn a new skill to help people in my coaching practice, and wanting to be helped myself. I actually do believe in the positive effects of reiki and have had some pretty amazing results from a few sessions with a reiki master.
I’m hoping that learning reiki will help me with trauma I’ve been carrying around from being emotionally and verbally abused in the workplace, being fired, being gaslit, and being misunderstood.
But what I’m really curious about is why am I being so triggered by Thomas and Honey Babe? Why can’t I just laugh them off?
I slow my breathing and use a tool from my coaching practice. Whenever I’m feeling angry, grumpy, or dissonance it’s because a value is stepped on. Taking a beat to understand what specific values are being tromped helps me to release the trigger.
😠 This is a workshop – not a day spa. We’ve all paid money to be in a professional setting to learn a new skill. While we’re Zooming in from our homes, it’s not a permission slip to show up half naked. Value: Propiety
😠 Thomas being half-naked also draws attention to him and away from the collective. It’s distracting and doesn’t allow room for other people to “take up space” and be seen. Value: Equity
😠 Honey Babe peering into the camera and asking how Zoom works indicates that she didn’t have an understanding of the format and didn’t prepare properly. Thomas explaining how it operates while on Zoom detracts from the group’s ability to bond before the workshop starts. Values: Preparation, Respect of the Group’s Needs
😠 Thomas rubbing Honey Babe’s shoulders and telling the participants he has a massage table is inappropriately sexual in the workshop setting. This isn’t a love nest. Values: Professionalism, Respect of Boundaries
Now that I have clarity about why I’m angry and want to leave, I can dig for more feelings … and I start to sense fear. What if I don’t “do well” and struggle to learn the reiki techniques because I’m distracted and upset by Thomas and Honey Babe? What if I get the workshop wrong - not just wasting money but I also don’t get help with my PTSD?
Why am I here?
I take myself off camera and sit in my discomfort. What bubbles to the surface is how much emotional and spiritual pain I’m in from the professional losses I’ve experienced.
On the surface and most of the time I’m fine and happy and highly functional. In many ways I’m thriving and doing better than I ever have. I’ve found purpose and am able to channel my ambition into helping others achieve their dreams.
But I still get triggered from time to time and I’m tired of it.
I realize that the disdain I’m feeling towards Thomas and Honey Babe is part of a pattern. I find a way to reject growth opportunities as a way to armor up because I don’t want to not get it right. And growth opportunities are all about not getting things right. They’re full of discoveries, mistakes, and face-plants.
The real questions are not whether Thomas is wearing tighty-whities, or is shacking up with Honey Babe, or is unprofessional.
The real question is whether I can get outside of my comfort zone to learn some new skills and be imperfect and fail and look foolish?
Thomas and Honey Babe are functioning as “gremlins” who are stopping me from realizing my potential.
I turn my Zoom camera back on and dive in, ready to laugh at the absurdity of the situation — honoring three of my core values: growth, commitment and humor.
Who or what are you blaming for your lack of growth?
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Mitzi is so cute in that pic, Laverne!
AGAIN, I love the way you map this out. I love the way you recognize what is upsetting you and how to identify the validity of your feelings (however uncomfortable) as a result of your value system which can't be contested as immature or unreasonable in any way. Then... how after physically breathing and calming yourself from the discomfort, you recognize the above and logically claim your core values to not be distracted by the "gremlins". I've been having a situation arise that's old stuff, but it's triggering me. This blog is helping me piece together what's happening and how to empower myself and my response! Thank you for your work and creative expression.