Gaslit: When Your Grief Isn't Recognized
Listen to the audio version of this blog post here.
There’s a disconnect when I read the news.
The New York Times and other major media outlets are writing about how companies are struggling to retain workers. But on the flip side massive layoffs are happening all over the entertainment industry: Disney, Warner Bros. Discovery, CNN, NBCUniversal, Paramount Global and many many other smaller and mid-size companies that don’t get the same media attention.
This disconnect creates a “gaslight” gap. How is it that my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are experiencing stress, anxiety, emotional upset, and significant financial concerns from being laid off, while there’s a whole other swathe of the economy struggling to hang on to their employees?
This gaslight gap leads to feelings of confusion, shame, anger, fear, alienation, worry, rejection … and when our feelings aren’t validated we lose our sense of belonging and sometimes our connection with ourselves. We feel dis-enfranchised.
In the past when I’ve been fired or laid off, I’ve felt deprived of my feelings and it absolutely affected my self-esteem. People would say things like I should be happy to be out of a toxic environment or I’m going to find a better gig or I can finally take some well-deserved time off. I wound up feeling like there was something wrong with me because my friends and family couldn’t understand my sadness, let alone the depth of it.
Here’s the thing - my job was directly correlated to my sense of self-worth and I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing.
People have shamed me, saying my life was out of balance and I put too much emphasis on my career. Well, for me, I loved my work and I still do. It brings me joy and fulfillment. Not on all days, but enough days that I stay with it regardless of the paycheck.
For many of us our jobs are or have been a central part of our identity. For those of you who are in a tender place because of recent or past job loss, my heart is with you because you may have lost a part of how you and others see you.
Our jobs are one of the primary ways we manifest our life purpose.
And when humans lose purpose, we lose our way. We are meant to share our gifts and talents with others. And when those gifts and talents are witnessed and validated, the feeling is bliss. When we lose the opportunity to share our gifts and talents, we can feel debilitated.
If you are part of the massive layoffs that are happening in the entertainment industry or elsewhere, you’re not alone despite the unemployment rate being at 3.4% (at the time of publication) and companies struggling with employee retention. But more importantly you are not alone in your feelings.
Here are three steps that you can take to tackle the impact of being gaslit:
Give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings you may be having even if they seem contradictory. Grief is wildly confusing.
Consider journaling. Studies have shown that writing has massive mental health benefits.
Exercise. I know you’re groaning right now, but it’s a hard truth that you can produce feel-good endorphins through movement. There truly is such a thing as a runner’s high that you can get simply by walking.
Bonus: You can also produce endorphins by having sex or getting a massage!
Seek out community. As stated above and I’ll be more direct here: dis-enfranchised grief screws up our sense of belonging, and belonging is a basic human need.
When reaching out to family and friends, I recommend letting them know what’s important to you. For example, I let my friends know that I need them to listen and not offer advice unless I specifically ask. Frequently people show love through unsolicited advice that’s not helpful. Consider joining or creating a support group.
Disconnection can be a by-product of grief, and when you receive messages through the media or elsewhere invalidating your feelings of loss it creates a gaslight gap.
Let me know if this gaslight topic is landing with you. I’m super curious what loss you’re feeling right now and where you’re at with it.
🙌🏾 I love to support ambitious, driven people who are feeling stuck and want to regain momentum so they can hit their next big goal. Want to explore working together? Check out my website and reach out directly here.
If you’re looking for a support group to help you from being laid off, down-sized or fired, consider joining PERMISSION. It’s a confidential, intimate, sacred space in which we share our experiences, learn new tools and create community. Zoom and in-person options are available. The next zoom meeting is Tuesday, February 28 from 6:30 - 8:30 pm PST. Learn more and sign up for Permission here. Space is limited due to the nature of the group, and participants will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement.
If you’re resonating with what you’re reading, please consider subscribing. What’s that mean?
🙌🏾 Updates on offerings, free stuff, recommendations, referrals.
🙌🏾 You’ll receive regular emails (with lots of heart and a bit of humor) that share a tool or insight from my coaching practice.
🙌🏾 Typically the email will have a question at the end to provoke thought that supports you in your growth.