Permission To Grieve
December 2019. The K&L Productions holiday party at the Brewery Art Lofts.
The four of us had bonded working together on the Netflix series Girlboss and formed a genuine friendship. We were all looking forward to 2020 as a banner year for various reasons. I was super proud of my business partner in K&L, Kay Cannon, who would be directing her second feature, Cinderella, in 2020 and I would continue to manage and supervise the projects we had through our television deal at Sony.
Flash forward. Three years have somehow gone by in a blink of an eye. Kay’s movie was a success and we still have our company, but our mandate has shifted to adapt to a challenging entertainment marketplace. As a result, I’ve been building out my coaching practice while still producing - which I’m super grateful that I can do. I’m also holding deep feelings of loss from the professional opportunities that evaporated.
This type of loss is called dis-enfranchised grief — an expression coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka in 1989 to capture this feeling that no one seems to understand and that you may not feel entitled to. He described it as "a loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.” Does this feel familiar to you?
For most of my professional life, I was confused by the deep, deep sadness I felt when a project didn’t move forward or I wasn’t acknowledged for a win. I chalked it up to a lack of maturity and resiliency on my part. And then when I was fired from a high profile job at CBS in 2006 (read more here) and simply couldn’t bounce back, I fell into a depression compounded by self-loathing, self-recrimination, regret and debilitating remorse.
Years later, I stumbled upon this concept of dis-enfranchised grief and realized that grief was not reserved for bereavement.
While I was relieved to have a name for my feelings, it was still taboo to talk openly about my sadness for a number of reasons:
🦥 In sharing my experience of loss, I may be perceived as unprofessional, incapable and no longer of value.
❎ If I “complain” about a project not moving forward or not being well-received, I’m told to get over it, focus on something else or find a new career.
🤕 It’s uncomfortable for many people to see others in emotional pain, and I certainly don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable because of me.
😬 Being vulnerable may open me up to unsolicited advice and ignorant comments (which definitely happened numerous times).
As helpful as it was to learn about dis-enfranchised grief, I still felt alone and without community. After wallowing in self-pity for a significant amount of time, I got really bored with myself and decided to learn as much as I could about the concept of grief. My favorite program was the Creative Grief Studio which uses art to influence meaning-making after loss.
One of the things that I was taught to do as a certified grief practitioner is to take an inventory of the loss. For example, losing a job is not just about the job. There’s also loss of income and community. Another example is when a project doesn’t move forward. For me, there’s a loss of hope and opportunity. Other types of loss that might be present:
😳 Relationships
😳 Security
😳 A place to work / an office
😳 Health insurance
😳 Matching 401K
😳 Camaraderie
😳 Laughter
😳 Belonging
😳 Trust
😳 Belief
😳 Hope
😳 Joy
😳 Fulfillment
😳 Ambition
When I first did the inventory, I discovered surprising losses like mentorship. I enjoy helping others and without a job, I didn’t feel like I could still be supportive. (Wrong!) I also lost credibility and didn’t believe that I could ask for mentorship. (Wrong!) I also lost my voice — believing that without a job title, I was not worthy of having an opinion. (Wrong!)
Back to December 2019. I’m still grieving what the K&L holiday party meant to me. There were about 80-100 people there - folx from all walks of life that we were actively working with or wanting to develop a relationship with. It was a joyous, hopeful, celebratory event. This time of year brings back those memories and a fresh wave of longing unravels me a bit.
In sharing these feelings of sadness with some people, they tell me how much I have to be grateful for … which is absolutely correct. AND I still feel sad! I want permission to feel the full extent of the loss of community, joy, and hope.
If you’re feeling sadness related to professional experiences, consider joining PERMISSION - a support group for those experiencing dis-enfranchised grief. PERMISSION is a confidential, intimate, sacred space for those in the entertainment industry who are looking to have their experiences of loss witnessed and validated. Through group sharing, presentations by moi and various exercises, participants will find community and connection as well as tools to create agency and meaning. Link here to learn more and sign up. Space is limited due to the nature of the group, and participants will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement.
Comment below: have you experienced dis-enfranchised grief?
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