“It’s not great. I mean there’s some good stuff, but I wish it was better.”
I’ve heard versions of this statement my entire life. Nothing is ever 100% awesome. Sometimes I’m lucky and it approaches 70% awesome. But typically there’s a splatter of bird shit on my freshly cleaned car. Or there’s a single broken egg in a carton of twelve. Or there’s an ugly red pimple on otherwise clear skin.
I hate taking the good with the bad. Can’t it all just be good?
That statement about how “it’s not great, but there’s some good stuff” came from
”Michael.” Michael is the guy on my team who always misses self-imposed deadlines and doesn’t do what he says. I wrote/spoke about him in my post about broken trust.
Well, he’s back again and I feel validated in not dumping him. Cuz he really is a genius.
A CONUNDRUM PRESENTS ITSELF
Here’s what happened with the “wish it was better situation.” I’ve been working on a big project that required an expert to provide an assessment. I did a bunch of research, got a few referrals, interviewed folx on the phone and chose the one who was pricey, available in my time frame and could write a detailed analysis within a week of the inspection.
So a week or so later Michael and the team reviewed the analysis and it had several excellent points and it also had several bold statements outside the scope of the expert’s expertise. I wish the expert would have stayed in their lane, but I get that people sometimes get bored doing the same thing in and out every day and they wanted to show the breadth of their knowledge and experience.
Unfortunately, the “outside the lane” portion of the assessment was not accurate. I know this because it is Michael’s area of expertise and he was quite vocal about the inaccuracies — and how this report really gunked up the wheels of our project being able to move forward.
FEELING STUCK ON WHAT TO DO
We were stymied on how to take the next step which required sharing the report with the financing group. This group would use the information provided to determine whether they would move forward with us.
So we’re sitting around my dining room table - me, Michael, my husband and another team member - talking in circles debating the pros and cons. I finally asked Michael what he would do if it was solely his call.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
Michael steeples his fingers and thinks. We watch him think. He’s clearly in a zone - I can see his brain sorting, filing, accessing RAM. His breath is steady, face relaxed, legs crossed like he’s about to take a sip of MaCallans 18 out of a crystal tumbler. He’s opened up his intuitive center, flung his heart open wide and said, “Speak to me.”
The rest of us don’t move a muscle. We don’t want to fuck up his mojo. Maybe a minute goes by — which is a long time to watch someone thinking, but it’s also fascinating.
Michael releases the steeple, lowers his hands, and says, “We’re gonna hug the bear.”
HUG THE BEAR
I immediately feel squeamish and intrigued by this metaphor. Bears are extraordinary, powerful creatures and hugging one could mean getting my head ripped off or eaten alive. In sharing the report with the financing group they could decide to completely back away.
And yet there’s a woo-woo opportunity here. In the realm of spirit animals, bears are pretty awesome. They represent strength, courage and confidence. Submitting the report could be a pretty cocky move.
Michael is essentially saying let’s not hide or run or play dead. Let’s meet the challenge head on.
I love it.
Michael is a genius.
HOW DOES HUGGING THE BEAR APPLY TO YOUR CAREER?
Facing challenges head on during your career is the only way to move forward, be aligned with your values and purpose, and find fulfillment.
It’s so much easier to listen to the gremlin voices that keep us small, or to rationalize our actions and not take responsibility, or to blame others. At the end of the day, keeping blinders on may feel safer and more secure, but ignoring the truth — no matter how awful — will keep you out of the driver's seat.
Hugging the bear means:
Seeking out the truth by gathering data and information.
Acknowledging any hard truths despite any predictions on how it might affect your desired outcome or goals.
Letting the truth speak for itself. Not coloring it, spinning it, negating it or manipulating it.
If you’re feeling stalled or slowed in your progress, it’s time to hug the bear by getting a really good look at the bear.
WATCH OUT FOR THE GREMLINS
As you ponder hugging the bear, “gremlin” voices will pop up. It’s inevitable.
Remember gremlins only come out when you’re onto something good. So you seeking out the hard truth means that you’re clearing the brush and finding the path forward. The gremlin does NOT want you to honor your values, live your purpose, find fulfillment or succeed. It wants to keep you small.
Even if you don’t fully engage with the gremlins, simply listening to them will distract you from the truth. They soak up your time, energy and resources with debate. Here’s a piece about how to do battle with them.
HOW I HUGGED THE BEAR: IT WAS NOT PLEASANT
Several years ago, I contemplated leaving my work as an independent producer and re-joining the corporate ranks. I was attracted to a steady paycheck, health coverage, a 401K and other benefits. I liked the idea of being in a place of wider collaboration where I could champion marginalized artists and their ideas. I’m also a volume person - I like variety and being able to move from task to task.
I interviewed quite a bit and it came down to three jobs. In each of those opportunities, it was between me and another candidate. I pulled out all the stops and had very fancy people call on my behalf.
In each instance, the job went to someone else.
It was time to seek out the hard truth by gathering data. I did some digging and discovered that the people who got the jobs were at least twenty years younger than me and had a recent significant win.
I had to acknowledge the hard truth that I was outside the desirable age range and it had been awhile since I had a huge victory that I could tout. Maybe I could get past the age issue, but the lack of a recent big win was not something I could change.
My window for the corporate gig had shut.
THE AFTERMATH OF HUGGING THE BEAR
It took a few months for the hard truth to settle in and to allow the feelings of sadness and loss to bubble to the surface. I hired a therapist to help me with grief work and re-connected with my sense of agency. That’s when I doubled-down on indie producing and simultaneously revved up my coaching practice.
Looking back at that time, I didn’t know what hugging the bear meant. I just knew that I was feeling stuck and had no idea on how to move forward. When Michael said, “We’re gonna hug the bear” so many pieces fell into place. I got it. Burying my head in the sand, rationalizing my actions, blaming others was not helpful in the job search. I had to face the hard truth so I could determine a course of action … or not face the hard truth and stay stuck.
With a lot of water under the bridge, I can honestly say that I’m much happier doing what I’m doing now. If I’d had gotten one of those corporate gigs I may have felt more secure financially, but I would not have been fully honoring my values and life purpose. Maybe this is me rationalizing not getting one of those jobs, but I do feel so much joy when I’m working with clients in my coaching practice, and helping writers and directors get their projects across the finish line as an indie producer.
This idea of hugging the bear works in all aspects of life. Here are a few more examples of me facing hard truths outside the professional realm:
My eldest daughter chose not to go to college.
The week I got dark purple botox bruises on my face and was hosting a party that very weekend.
Torrential wind and rains severely damaged our roof, washed away part of our road, and created mud slides that blocked us from getting in and out of our neighborhood.
I wasn’t going to change any of these things … by embracing each situation I was able to create new possibilities. My daughter and I are closer than ever despite her not fulfilling my expectation of continuing her education. She’s working full-time and has a great plan for her career. My botox bruises wound up be a bonding conversation starter - turns out I’m not the only one.
My situation with the assessment is still on-going, but I feel proud to have honored my values of transparency and authenticity. Regardless of what happens, I have a new piece of wisdom from Michael — albeit a bit unconventional.
I’ve been able to apply this lesson to times when things aren't all rainbows and sunshine. I’m much better at not shying away or pretending everything's perfect.
BOTTOM LINE
So to recap: Hugging the bear means confronting the difficult, sometimes painful, aspects of life or career. And it’s not reserved for one specific challenge; it's a mindset. It's about resilience, acknowledging reality, and finding a path forward by gathering the data, acknowledging the reality, embracing the uncomfortable truths, and letting it guide your decisions.
So, the next time you're faced with a metaphorical bear, remember Michael's words and don't hide, run, or play dead. Let the truth guide your way. Hug the bear, and you might find strength, courage, and confidence you never knew you had.
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
Longing to dive a bit deeper into the reflections stirred up by the "Hug the Bear" journey? Below are a few journal questions to guide you through an exploration of your experiences and to help you reflect.
What is one current challenge or situation in your life or career where you're hesitant to confront the hard truths? What is holding you back? What might become possible if you hug the bear?
Can you recall moments when self-doubt or negative thoughts (gremlins) emerged during a decision-making process? How did you manage or overcome these thoughts, if at all?
Think about significant career decisions you've made. Have there been instances where you had to acknowledge hard truths about yourself or your circumstances? How did these realizations influence your choices and subsequent actions?
Consider a recent situation where things weren't perfect. How did you react to imperfections, and did you find it challenging to accept both the good and the not-so-good aspects?
Have you ever encountered age-related challenges or felt the impact of not having a recent significant achievement? How did you navigate these aspects?
How do you interpret the symbolism of "hugging the bear" in your own life? What challenges or situations would you classify as metaphorical bears, and how might embracing them lead to personal growth?
How might incorporating the mindset of "hugging the bear" in your daily life positively influence your approach to challenges, decision-making, and personal growth? What changes could you make based on this perspective?
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My blog aims to help people achieve their ambitious goals, their moonshot if you will. 😃 Oftentimes, though, we neglect an essential aspect of pursuing our dreams: the inevitable missteps, obstacles, and failures that come our way. Failing to acknowledge and process these losses properly can lead to imposter syndrome, burnout, low self-esteem, confusion, and even result in completely abandoning our dreams. 😟 That's why I strongly advocate for embracing grief awareness (along with other tools like values identification, knowing your why, sharpening executive function, habit forming, and more.) By doing so, we can effectively navigate challenges, regain motivation, and hit our moonshots. ✌🏾️ If you know someone who could benefit, please share this newsletter or recommend me to them. 🙏
Embracing Hard Truths by Hugging the Bear