Why Is My Network Ghosting Me? 😢

One of the most important ways to find a job or pivot to a new career is through networking. But what if your network is ghosting you? 

There are three reasons this might be happening. 

1. You’re asking for support they can’t offer.  

2. You’re neglecting to maintain or leverage your network. 

3. You rely too heavily on strong relationships and have not developed “arms-length” connections. 

Let’s take a closer look at each of these and what you can do to course correct. 

Align Your Asks with What Your Network Can Offer

I met with a guru who told me, “Don’t go to New York expecting it to be San Francisco.” The same applies here. 

Some people in your network know about job leads. Some are in a position to advocate. Some are cheerleaders. Some are great at resume building. Some are good listeners. 

Be clear about your ask so you make sure you’re going to the right person. 

One of my clients is super frustrated that a few people in his network are not providing any job leads or hiring him for one-off gigs. These are connections that he’s helped in the past so he expects reciprocity. My sense is he’s asking for intel or leads they simply don’t have — and they may not want him to know. 

Consider that you hold someone in such high regard you reach out to them to ask for advice. It’s flattering to be that person. But if you’re that person and you can’t deliver, it may feel embarrassing to say “I don’t know and I can’t help you.” Ghosting is an easier choice rather than acknowledging they aren’t the person you think they are. 

Another reason your network won’t offer support is that they have to make a “Sophie’s choice.” In certain industries, like entertainment, hundreds, if not thousands, of people are applying for one job opening. Your contact may need to make a tough choice about who they are advocating for since they can’t advocate for everyone. 

I know this information can sting— especially if you’ve been helpful to your network. 

The way to move forward is to radically accept what type of support the individuals in your network can offer. Don’t go to New York expecting it to be San Francisco. 

However, all is not lost. Keep reading / listening. 

Three Forms of Networking

Understanding three specific forms of networking can help reduce the chances of being ghosted. They are: 

1. Search 

2. Maintenance

3. Leverage 

Search is finding people who share your interests and have common professional pursuits and career paths. For most folx, this is the easiest form of networking, and it can be accomplished through social media and by attending gatherings.  The instances of being ghosted at the initial contact stage are not as high as the other forms. 

Maintenance is the process of keeping relationship alive and possibly thriving. This form of networking takes time, energy and effort. It moves someone from being a contact into a connection and part of your community. Ghosting is more common in this form because maintenance requires a level of engagement that’s not always within people’s bandwidth. For example, some people are introverts, some are overwhelmed or simply too busy, and some lack executive function. 

It’s your responsibility to drive the maintenance and get creative about how to do so in a way that nourishes you. One of my clients loves to learn so she makes it a point to have a topic and questions when she’s in maintenance mode. 

Leverage is using your network for gain: making an ask. Ghosting at this stage occurs because of a misalignment between the request and what the person can offer. 

Photo by Drew Tilk on Unsplash

What’s Within Your Control?

As you can see, ghosting happens for a variety of reasons, some of which are out of your control.  What is in your control to reduce ghosting is maintaining a relationship with your network and making asks of the right people. 

Maintaining a relationship doesn’t mean you have to grab a meal or a coffee or send funny memes or relevant articles.  That’s certainly an option, but what it really means is maintaining an authentic connection based on the nature of the relationship. 

• Former colleagues may be more deserving of your time in a way that a friend of a friend doesn’t.

• Someone you met at a party may be a social media connection rather than a lunchmate. 

• A fellow alum may warrant a Zoom meeting rather than waiting for the next tailgate. 

• Liking or commenting on an acquaintance’s post might be the perfect approach to nurturing the relationship. 

The most critical part of maintaining a relationship is following up after your contact has helped you out. 

Don’t Ghost Your Network

Leveraging your network takes courage, but don’t ghost your network out of fear you’ll be ghosted. You can be scared AND still make the ask. 

Once you’ve been done a solid, don’t disappear. Let your contact know what happened even if the outcome isn’t what you’d hoped. For example:

• Thank you for the referral. Unfortunately, they’ve filled the role with another candidate, but I appreciate your support. 

• I just had a great meeting with your friend, who wasn’t able to make an introduction to the hiring manager but gave me excellent advice. 

• The interview with the recruiter was a good first step and they’ll share the next steps in a few days. I’ll let you know what happens. 

Remember, ghosting works both ways. 

That being said, there’s a type of connection that doesn’t require deep maintenance for you to leverage. 

The Value of Weak Connections 

I have to confess that I mistakenly believed I needed to have close relationships with my network in order to activate them. This was exhausting for me as an introvert because I require a lot of solo time. So I kept my network shallow for most of my career. Whoops! 

A recent study from Harvard Business Review found that “arm’s length relationships with acquaintances can be more helpful for finding a job than strong ties, such as connections to close friends, family, or immediate coworkers.”

Read the entire piece here, but my key takeaway:

The most helpful connections for finding new jobs are weak connections, not strong ones.

Simply put: When you have a broader network of acquaintances, you are exposed to more opportunities. 

A critical factor in creating an arm’s length network is some degree of familiarity (a friend of a friend of a friend) and common interests. The connection doesn’t have to be strong — just enough to receive relevant information. 

Bottom Line 

We all get how important networking is. Numerous studies have shown that networking is valuable in gaining access to new intel, getting your foot in the door, finding more and higher quality jobs, securing offers with longer tenure, and achieving greater status and authority. 

What we don’t always get is that networking is not a one-size-fits-all approach and that there are solutions to being ghosted by our network. 

Navigating your network effectively is all about knowing who to approach, when, and how. Ghosting often happens because you're asking for support that’s either misaligned with what the person can offer, or because relationships haven’t been properly maintained. 

To minimize ghosting, focus on building a balanced network—maintaining your strong ties, but also expanding your weak ones. These “arm’s length” connections can actually open more doors than your closest relationships. By understanding the different ways to search, maintain, and leverage your network, you can build stronger professional connections and avoid being left in the dark.

Journal Prompts 

Here are five journal prompts to help you network better and avoid ghosting.

1. Reflect on recent networking interactions: When was the last time you reached out to someone in your network? How clear were you about what you were asking for? Was their response what you expected? If not, why do you think that is?

2. Assess your network maintenance: How much effort do you currently put into maintaining your professional relationships? Are there any connections that you’ve let lapse? What small steps could you take to rekindle those relationships?

3. Identify your strong vs. weak ties: List five people from your strong network and five from your weak network. How have each of these groups been helpful in your career? What value might your weak ties offer that you haven’t explored yet?

4. Explore feelings about being ghosted: How do you feel when someone in your network doesn’t respond to your request for help? What assumptions do you make about why they’re not engaging? How might those assumptions impact your future interactions with them?

5. Examine your follow-up habits: How often do you follow up with people after they’ve helped you? Do you tend to disappear or avoid reaching out again if things don’t go as planned? How can you improve your follow-up to nurture those connections?

What’s Coming Next Week

Does finding a balance between work and life feel like a constant struggle? Next week, I explore how real balance is about making minor, flexible adjustments instead of cementing in a schedule. Plus, I’ll share a simple exercise to help you stay steady in both work and life.

Sources

• How Does Networking Affect Your Job Search?

• Learn to Love Networking

• Which Connections Really Help You Find a Job?

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My blog aims to help people achieve their ambitious goals, their moonshot if you will. 😃 Oftentimes, though, we neglect an essential aspect of pursuing our dreams: the inevitable missteps, obstacles, and failures that come our way. Failing to acknowledge and process these losses properly can lead to imposter syndrome, burnout, low self-esteem, confusion, and even result in completely abandoning our dreams. 😟  That's why I strongly advocate for embracing grief awareness (along with other tools like values identification, knowing your why, sharpening executive function, habit forming, and more.) By doing so, we can effectively navigate challenges, regain motivation, and hit our moonshots. ✌🏾️ If you know someone who could benefit, please share this newsletter or recommend me to them. 🙏