When I show up five minutes early for a zoom meeting, is my intention to be on time so that I appear professional? Maybe …
When I say yes to attending an event is my intention to be a supportive colleague so that I receive support in return? Perhaps …
When I begin an email with “Hi!” is my intention to set a friendly tone so that the bad news I deliver will be received better? I think so …
Understanding the intent behind your words and actions is what will determine who is in the driver’s seat of your life and career. You may think that you are driving, but if you are not clear on how you are honoring your values and purpose then your life will slowly and inevitably spin out of control. And you’re going to feel really crummy along the way.
IT’S OKAY TO PLAN, JUST DON’T PLAN THE RESULTS
Many people hold a mistaken belief that having a clear intention will get them the results they want. Unfortunately that’s not how intentions work.
Intentions are not related to outcomes.
Think of intention as planning without getting fixated on the results. If you’re fixated on the result then intention has been bypassed, which will impact the outcome.
Here’s an example. If my goal is to sell a pitch then the intention would be to be fully present in the moment: creating rapport, listening to the energy of the group, asking and answering questions. If I’m focused on the outcome of the pitch meeting, I’m not able to be present. I might be anxiously wondering if the buyers are at the end of their budget allotment, what else they’ve bought that might be competitive to my project, whether their department will be hit with down-sizing. I may miss an opportunity to get curious about a buyer’s reaction or see that the writer is floundering when answering a question and needs help.
WHAT IS INTENTION?
Intention is owning and delivering on how you want to show up. Intention is not about doing, it’s about being.
The energy of intention is rooted in allowing. Opening your heart and mind to whatever comes your way. It’s not about rigidly sticking to predefined outcomes.
For example, setting an intention could mean deciding to be present for someone, detaching from arbitrary schedules, or releasing expectations about the outcome of a situation. It's about embodying a particular way of being rather than fixating on a specific result.
Ultimately, intention goes beyond the surface; it requires introspection. It prompts you to dig deep and ask yourself what you truly want and why. By focusing on how you want to show up rather than fixating on the outcome, you create a plethora of possibilities and open yourself up to discovering new facets of life that you might have overlooked in pursuit of predefined goals.
In its truest form, intention is a powerful force that shapes your actions, allowing you to navigate life with purpose and mindfulness. It's about the journey, the process, and the conscious commitment to live in a way that aligns with your deepest values and desires.
MY TRIP TO MAMMOTH WITH CLEAR INTENTION
Let me bring this alive through an experience I had on a trip to Mammoth.
My youngest daughter Aurora joined the Mammoth Ski team this season. Each weekend, my husband and I take turns driving up from LA - a five hour drive each way in good weather.
The weekend between Christmas and New Year’s was my turn to make the drive and I was not feeling great about it. I hate the cold, I was anxious about driving on snow and ice (despite growing up in Chicago), and was worried that I would not be able to honor my writing commitment. I considered asking my husband to take my turn, but it didn’t sit well with me. I would be stepping on my values of family, curiosity, courage, and possibility.
After a hard workout at Orange Theory, I was able to get clear on my priorities. I set an intention that I would be present for Aurora and not be tied to arbitrary schedules of my own making. I would also release any expectation of how much writing I would complete, listen to my body and be extra attentive to gremlin voices telling me that I’m not doing enough.
We woke up the morning of our road trip at 2:45 am so that we could be on the road by 3:30 am. That way Aurora could be on the snow with her team by 8:30 am.
I knew Aurora would sleep for most of the drive, so I listened to Jennette McCurdy’s book “I’m Glad My Mother Died.” It was well-written, funny, and moving. She wrote with vulnerability and was brave in detailing her experience with eating disorders and abuse. Listening to the audiobook allowed me to find a great balance of letting Aurora sleep peacefully, staying focused on the road and releasing anxiety about how fast or slow we were going because I was immersed in Jennette’s story.
Unexpectedly I took away from the book lessons about writing craft: Jennette wrote about specific moments, detailing them with observations about the location, the people, her mindset. It was visceral. She infused humor and every chapter was focused on a single idea that showcased an aspect of her life journey. Always a strong opening sentence that hooked me, and then a sharp observation or quip at the end to provoke thought in a non-direct way. I didn’t have an intention to learn about writing craft on this trip - it happened as a result of finding a way to be present for Aurora and the drive.
We got to Mammoth safely and Aurora was on the slopes by 8:45 am.
After a day of skiing and an ice-skating outing, plus a trip to Vons for a few Aurora supplies, we headed to check in to a rustic studio cabin at Tamarack Lodges. I was not looking forward to trudging through snow and ice with our suitcases, a cooler full of food, and a plastic container with kitchen supplies, along with backpacks heavy with electronics and books. I had to remind myself of my intention: I would be present for Aurora, not be tied to arbitrary schedules of my own making, and release any expectation of how much writing I would complete. If I needed to take several trips back and forth to the cabin, I would. There was no ticking clock. I took a breath and released my need to be done with the move as quickly as possible.
Turns out the cabin was sweet and in a gorgeous setting.
When we made it inside, the space was warm and toasty with a gas fireplace, a comfy leather chair, a queen bed, a teeny-tiny bathroom, and a kitchenette. Aurora and I had great fun unpacking, exploring and setting up the room to suit our individual desires.
Later that night as I sat in the comfy leather chair and looked at the fireplace, I was hit by a giant wave of gratitude. The not running around and not worrying about when I would work on my writing opened me up to a deep level of appreciation that I could be a small part of Aurora’s experience on the ski team.
By aligning my actions with my intentions that were based on my values, a magical synergy unfolded.
The next morning, Aurora said she was comfortable skiing with the team and that I didn’t need to stay at the ski lodge. I could go back to the cabin studio and do whatever I wanted. I loved that Aurora asked for space … and I think she was able to see that need in herself because I was being fully present for her.
So I went back to the cabin and engaged in having my own writers retreat - something I’ve been dreaming about for a few years but could not figure out how to make happen. There I was in this gorgeous setting on a lake with sunny skies, crisp cold air, and complete comfort inside. All from setting an intention that I would not get caught up in how much writing I was getting done.
Possibility landed on my doorstep.
BE HONEST WITH YOUR INTENTION, IT WILL SET YOU FREE
Intention in its truest, purest form requires digging deep. What do you want and why do you want it?
After therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I can honestly say that my intention historically has been that I want people to like me so that I am safe.
When I set the intentions for the Mammoth trip, I had to consciously and with great effort release the people pleasing. What I recognized:
Being present for Aurora is not about pleasing her. It’s about creating opportunities for her to discover all that she’s possible of … and I believe that sports is the gateway for confidence, esteem building, resilience and discipline. It also develops respect for others and the environment.
Arbitrary schedules are a reflection of how I try to look good and show that I am perfect to others. By releasing my “need” for a schedule, I can create spaciousness to be present for and with Aurora.
Honoring an overly aggressive writing schedule is also trying to look good to other people, and to feel accomplished and if I’m accomplished then people will be pleased with me. Here’s the thing, I actually find great joy in writing. I don’t find great joy in the deadlines, but the deadlines help me with other goals. By releasing my “need” to accomplish a certain amount of writing on this trip, I created opportunities to listen more deeply to Aurora and myself. What did each of us need in any given moment?
As a result of these intentions, I puttered, meandered, got into writing zones, took walks, enjoyed delicious food, took a nap, laughed a lot with Aurora, comforted her when she was feeling poorly, and learned how to walk on ice. The overall result was that Aurora and I had a great trip, and I felt lighter, happier and more creative.
RADICAL NOTION
Whether or not you fulfill your intention is sorta irrelevant. The importance is identifying clearly and truly what your intention is and then honoring that to the best of your ability. You may fail, or be inconsistent, or simply get tired.
Intention and process go hand-in-hand. If you’re focused on nailing your intention, then you’re probably really looking to achieve an outcome. If you’re focused on the process of honoring your intention, then possibility is ignited and you’ll discover that there are more outcomes than just the goals you are striving for.
CLOSING THE LOOP
Circling back to the questions I asked up top:
When I show up five minutes early for a zoom meeting, is my intention to be on time so that I appear professional? No. My intention is to be present for the meeting. I have so much zoom anxiety because I’ve had experiences where it starts to update and then I’m late, or I have camera issues, or my audio isn’t working. Showing up early allows me to troubleshoot so then I can focus on the task at hand.
When I say yes to attending an event is my intention to be a supportive colleague so that I receive support in return? No. I would say 95% of the time my intention is to people please with no desire to get anything in return other than their love and admiration. 🤪 I’m trying to manipulate an outcome - being liked.
When I begin an email with “Hi!” is my intention to set a friendly tone so that the bad news I deliver will be received better? Yes and no. My intention is to let the person know that I want to engage with them and since tone is difficult to convey over email, I want them to be present for me. So the answer is yes because I want them to read my email and hear me, and it's also no because it’s about trying to control an outcome.
BOTTOM LINE
Intentions defy outcomes by keeping us open to whatever unfolds. Setting an intention involves deciding how we want to fully show up in a given moment.
Embarking on a journey with clear intentions becomes transformative: creating opportunities, fostering growth, and unveiling unexpected outcomes.
True intention demands honesty and introspection, transcending the “doing” to embrace the profound art of “being.” Intention and process walk hand-in-hand, where the fulfillment of intention becomes a byproduct of honoring the conscious commitment to what truly matters – your values. .
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
Here are a few questions to help you deepen your relationship with being and doing, and intention and outcomes:
Reflect on a recent situation where you took action. Can you identify the underlying intention behind your actions? How did your understanding of your intention impact the overall integrity of your actions and their alignment with your values?
Consider a specific goal or outcome you're currently pursuing. Are you fixating on the result, or can you identify the intention driving your efforts? How might shifting your focus from the outcome to the intention alter your approach and perspective?
Consider a recent time when you set aside rigid schedules or released expectations. How did this impact your experience and the outcomes? Reflect on the connection between intentions, the process, and the diverse outcomes that unfolded.
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