Moonshot Mentor
Moonshot Mentor with Laverne McKinnon
How Your Identity Is Stopping You From Achieving Your Goals
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How Your Identity Is Stopping You From Achieving Your Goals

The Writers Guild of America has gone on strike and I absolutely stand with the WGA. However, no one knows how long the strike will last so that means the movie I was working on is being pushed, the coaching groups and workshops I was planning for the Fall are now on hold, and the low-key vacation that I was going to have with my family in August is on the back-burner.

Uncertainty is all around me and I find it overwhelming because I’m not able to plan. I mean I can plan, but I can’t rely on those plans because there’s not enough data to ascertain how reliable my plans can be. This is a conundrum. 

Planning is important  because it makes me feel like I am competent and capable. I take pride in getting things done through strategic thinking, organization, high executive function and execution. 

When my identity of being competent and capable is vulnerable, I will do what needs to be done to protect it - frequently to my own detriment! Here’s an example of how having my identity threatened plays out and stops me from achieving my goals. 

As you may have read or heard, I’m co-hosting a three day retreat, May 26-28, entitled THRIVING AFTER JOB LOSS. I’m super excited about the impact this retreat will have and the response has been positive because so many people are struggling with having been laid off, down-sized, fired or quietly quitting (no matter how recent or in the distant past.)

Part of my job co-hosting the retreat is to make personal invites and not just rely on social media to get the word out. Well, a “gremlin” voice popped up under the guise of protecting me and my identity. It said that if I sent those invites I might be rejected. And being rejected bumps into my identity of being competent and capable. Now I know intellectually that’s not accurate, but I’m a human so I listened to the gremlin voice instead of blowing past it. I folded the laundry, made a new to-do list, called my brother, and did the zoomies with my dog Roo. 

Is not sending the invites the end of the world? No.

It is the beginning of a slippery slope in which my desire to protect my identity gets in the way of making progress. I chose to fold laundry, make a new to-do list, call my brother, and do zoomies with Roo so that I could be competent and capable. I nailed folding the laundry, the new to-do list was perfection, my brother was delighted to hear from me, and Roo thinks I’m the bee’s knees. 

Hard truth: I side-stepped making personal invites because I might be rejected and if I’m rejected that means I am incompetent and incapable. So I chose to do things that didn’t align with my goal of hosting a sold-out retreat, but did protect my identity. 

Protecting your identity is an Achilles heel. I see this frequently when people are looking for their next gig. Asking for help, networking, revising a resume, updating LinkedIn, searching for roles, writing cover letters, applying for jobs — all bump into most people’s identity. 

I had one client who refused to adjust his resume after not landing any interviews despite applying for over a hundred jobs! He clung to an identity of “I know what’s best.”  

Eventually, he toyed with the idea of revamping his resume. But the gremlins popped into his head: “Everyone has a different opinion on resumes, stick to what you know, you’ll have to change your LinkedIn profile and that’s a pain in the ass, you’ve already sent so many resumes out it will be weird to change it, what will people think?”  So my client didn’t revise his resume.

Remember, the gremlin’s goal is to keep you small and stop you from meeting your potential. And they show up when you’re on to something big. 

Here’s the thing, my client was scared of losing his identity of “I know what’s best.” It was “easier” for him to listen to the gremlin then risk learning he doesn’t know what’s best. 

Here are a few more examples of what gremlins “say” and how they work to keep you stuck and clinging to an identity that may not be serving you: 

😈 “You’re not good enough,” says the gremlin, encouraging you to stop applying to jobs. The identity that is being protected is “I am better than everyone else.” If I apply to jobs and don’t hear back or get rejected then “I am better than everyone else” must not be true. So it’s smarter to stop applying to jobs then learn I’m not better.

Truth: You are good enough, not better. Your resume or application process, however, may not be as good as it could be. 

😈 “No one wants to hear from you,” says the gremlin, encouraging you to not reach out to pitch yourself, a project or gather information. The identity that is being protected is “I am desirable.”  If you reach out and get ghosted then that means you’re not desirable. So it's better to just not reach out then learn that you’re not desirable.

Truth: You’re not for everyone! And if someone doesn’t respond to you or your project then they are not your people or it’s not the right match.

😈 “There are too many applicants,” says the gremlin, encouraging you to not apply to your dream job. The identity that is being protected is “I am unique and special.” If I don’t hear back then I’m not standing out amongst the applicants which means I am not unique. So it’s better to not apply for my dream job rather than learn I’m average.

Truth: You are special and you are also average. According to Zippia.com it takes 21 to 80 job applications to get a job offer. The average corporate job opening receives 250 applicants. Hard, hard truth: You have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince. Hard, hard, hard truth: Your resume or interviewing skills may not showcase your uniqueness. 

Bottom line: Don’t let your identity stop you from achieving your goals.

My “I know what’s best” client finally changed up his resume after 150 applications. He recognized through data and feedback that his resume didn’t tell a compelling story of his career journey. The new resume helped significantly and he’s been interviewing! 

To close the loop on my experience with the THRIVING AFTER JOB LOSS retreat:  I was able to course correct and send out personal invites by choosing to live my life purpose of helping people across their finish lines. I know how much folx are suffering because of job loss and I am confident that the retreat will help them. 

Not going to lie, though. It was hard and I had to break down the task over several days. Each time I had to consciously choose a value to honor: integrity, curiosity, compassion. 

What also emerged is that my struggle mirrored the struggle many people are having in deciding to enroll in the retreat. Several people have shared with me in one-on-one conversations that they want to attend, but are scared it would reveal that they are not thriving. Or that they are in pain from their job loss. Or are struggling to find a way forward. So they would rather cling to the identity of being “successful, happy, achieving” versus getting support to truly move forward … and sadly they remain stuck.

I get it! I struggle with this all the time as I’ve shared. There are many ways to work through feeling stuck. For today, let’s say your identity is in the way. Here are four key take-aways: 

✅ When you are not living up to your identity, you feel sh*tty about yourself. Clinging to an identity opens the door for self-hatred…. and gremlins.

✅ As humans, we will do everything we can to protect our identities because they give us a sense of safety and security. We will even go so far as to lower the bar on ourselves so we can be “that” person. Remember how I did the laundry, made a new to-do list, called my brother and played with the dog?  Those are all productive and fun things to do. And they don’t get me closer to my goal. 

✅ It’s typical to over-index on your identity leading to a deficit in other areas of your life. For example, I am so tied to being competent and capable that I forget to have fun and relax. 

✅ Your identity is not the whole picture of who you are - it’s simply a way for you to feel safe and secure by knowing how you “fit” in the world. 

What’s your identity and how is it getting in the way of meeting your potential? 

Questions? Want to work with me? Reach out directly here.

I love to support ambitious, driven people who are feeling stuck and want to regain momentum so they can hit their next big goal.  Want to explore working together? Check out my website.


I’d love to support you in thriving after job loss. Join me May 26-28 in Downtown Los Angeles for a three day retreat designed to help people bounce back with renewed strength and confidence. You will: 

  • Recognize and address sources of grief, especially around career setbacks

  • Learn effective tools and rituals to properly mourn and cope

  • Overcome self-doubt and negative self-talk 

  • Discover new perspectives and meaning in the face of professional loss 

  • Empower yourself by identifying your North Stars - your values and purpose - to reclaim agency and design the life you want. 

Learn More and Sign Up Here


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Moonshot Mentor
Moonshot Mentor with Laverne McKinnon
Stories, tools, and strategies to conquer career setbacks, including grief work, as unresolved loss can lead to diminished resilience—a career challenge faced by everyone at some stage in life. Each podcast is an audio blog post from Laverne McKinnon, a Career Coach and Grief Recovery Specialist, Film and Television Producer, and Northwestern University Professor.