It starts out so good. You’ve gotten past LinkedIn’s algorithm to actually have your resume reviewed by a human. The initial zoom with the recruiter goes swimmingly well and they actually follow-up on the promise of having you meet with the hiring manager. You’ve done your homework on the company’s mission and have your talking points lined up to show how you are qualified to meet every requirement in the job description. You've even found someone who knows someone at the company and has put in a good word.
You nail the first two minutes of the interview - your social media stalking has paid off and you’ve broken the ice by expressing a shared fondness for cross country skiing. And it turns out you both were on the Mammoth Ski Team as kids! What a stroke of luck.
You answer every question in a succinct, targeted story based manner clearly engaging the hiring manager as they laugh at the occasional self-deprecating humble brag. When they throw you a curveball, you deftly take a moment to breathe and consider your response then hit it out of the ballpark.
Your gut tells you: You’ve got this. In the back of your mind you can’t help but envision how much you’re going to thrive with your new boss. They’re everything you’ve ever wanted: curious, complimentary, respectful, trusting, loves to mentor and will not email or call outside of business hours. You’re finally in a good place with a good person where you will succeed.
It’s three months later and it’s gone to sh*t.
What happened?
So much has been written and spoken about in regards to how relationships thrive. From clear communication to shared goals to humor and everything in between. So why do relationships continue to fizzle out when they hold so much promise?
Because there are unspoken expectations.
There's one relationship tool that I use consistently that is not typically on the BuzzFeed or Goop or Psychology Today lists.
It's called a “Designed Alliance” and it takes unspoken expectations and brings them into the spotlight so that the relationship has guideposts on how to navigate challenges and be set-up for success.
I learned the “Designed Alliance” term from my training as a coach through the Co-Active Training Institute, but it's not a concept that is unique to that organization. I’ve come across terms like “session agreement” or “team charter” or “non-negotiables'' that capture the same definition. I’m sure you’ve heard of other terms that describe creating a brave container or safe space especially for those of you who have studied leadership or team dynamics.
The key is to use the tool to set-up any new or existing relationship to succeed. I’ve found it’s best in 1:1 or groups up to 30 people. If the group is larger than 30 people, it’s best to break into small groups and then find the commonalities of the Designed Alliance between the groups.
Here are the five broad steps to using the tool and then I’ll break it down even further.
Define what a Designed Alliance / team charter / session agreement is and what it requires to be effective.
Articulate the benefits of the Designed Alliance.
Invite a conversation by asking what’s important as it relates to relationship dynamics.
Identify 10-12 elements of the Designed Alliance.
Ask for agreement to the alliance once the elements have been identified.
DEFINITION AND REQUIREMENTS
According to the Co-Active Training Institute a Designed Alliance “makes explicit the implicit ways a relationship works and how it feels to be engaged with it.”
In other words, it takes what’s unspoken and makes it spoken. It requires one to be honest with one self as well as others. It requires transparency which means there’s a risk of being seen. Having your hopes and fears be fully heard and witnessed can be a tender, vulnerable experience for people.
The first time I practiced designing an alliance outside a coaching relationship, I was afraid I was going to be laughed at or worse talked about behind my back. Luckily, I was met with curiosity and open-mindedness. The writer and I spoke about how responding to each other’s communications within 24 business hours was important - even if it was to say “I got it and will get back to you asap.”
➜ Pro-Tip: It’s okay to call this agreement another name. What’s key is making the unspoken expectations of the relationship known to all.
BENEFITS OF A DESIGNED ALLIANCE
In my experience the biggest benefit of designing an alliance is building trust. It immediately says that I’m ready, willing and able to create clear communication and a structure to manage when that clear communication falls apart.
The hard truth is that we are imperfect. And while we may have the best intentions for a relationship to go swimmingly well, reality will bop us on the head. Unexpected things happen, we lack resources, our skills need improving, we make mistakes.
A Designed Alliance is a tool in which we can say, “Hey can we revisit our Designed Alliance? Something has gone a bit wonky.”
Other benefits include deepening the relationship by understanding what’s important to other people, and also by being understood as well. Productivity increases because the Designed Alliance clarifies what everyone is pulling for or moving towards. Problem solving becomes more fluid because there’s a structure in place to talk about the problems.
➜ Pro-Tip: Other benefits will become evident as the relationship grows since the Designed Alliance is a structure to build trust. With trust comes intimacy, with intimacy comes strong bonds.
THE INVITATION AND THE CONVERSATION
You don’t need to be the leader or the highest person on the hierarchical ladder to offer an invitation to make a Designed Alliance. If you’re not officially “in charge” then I would recommend having a sidebar conversation with the person who is in that position to help them understand what a Designed Alliance is and how it might benefit the relationship.
Identify a time in which to have the conversation about building a Designed Alliance. Having a dedicated time at the beginning of a meeting or a separate meeting is ideal. I’ve found that it’s not a long conversation as soon as everyone understands the definition. For me it takes about 15 minutes total.
Invite the group into the conversation by asking what’s important to them as it relates to group dynamics. Some people may feel more comfortable expressing themselves in writing so I have a whiteboard available either over video-conference or in person. Sometimes I used a shared google doc.
As people share their ideas, write them all down verbatim. It’s important to use their words. If you feel the need to summarize, ask if you’ve got it right.
You may need to get the conversation going. I typically will give an example of an element of the Designed Alliance that’s important to me. For example, confidentiality.
➜ Pro-Tip: It’s okay to have silences. Don’t rush to speak. Allow people time to think.
THE ELEMENTS OF A DESIGNED ALLIANCE
As you and the other person, or the group, are brainstorming, you’ll probably find there’s a lot of overlap with the elements of the Designed Alliance. Common elements, in addition to confidentiality, are laughter, taking breaks, having each other’s back, listening to understand.
The goal is to identify about 10-12 elements and to have a clear understanding of what they mean.
For example, going back to confidentiality. I actually offer up my definition of that word: what's said here stays here, what’s learned here leaves here. I also clarify that it’s not okay to share what’s said even if it’s not attributed to that person. We must always ask ourselves: is this my information to share?
Another element that is frequently identified is respect. Respect looks and feels different to each person. When we get granular on what that word means I frequently hear: listening without interrupting, not hogging the spotlight, letting each person have their own experience.
I was once involved in a vibrant conversation about respect where someone said “Agreeing to disagree is respect.” Someone else in the group said that was actually disrespectful because it gave permission for someone to be stuck in their ways rather than curious.
➜ Pro-Tip: It’s okay to combine designed elements into a string of works. For example: humor / laughter / not take ourselves too seriously.
AGREEMENT
Once the elements are in place, review each one to see if it needs further clarity. You can ask, what does this word mean to you?
Once no further clarity is needed, ask the person or group to agree to the alliance by a show of hands and a verbal yes. I like to have people raise their hands because it solidifies the agreement in a deeper way than just nodding a head silently.
At this point, it’s important to acknowledge that the Designed Alliance is not chiseled in stone. New information and experiences will come along that may impact what was agreed upon. Using the language “May we redesign our alliance?” is a great way to facilitate what might typically be a difficult conversation. It especially takes the edge off if someone has been triggered or has an insight on how the group can function more strongly.
Re-design the alliance at the beginning of each meeting or on a regular basis. It’s a quick check in and it helps to have the elements written down so people can easily see them. I have at times invited a redesign of the alliance when I’ve felt tension during a meeting or work session. It’s been amazingly productive and builds trust.
➜ Pro-Tip: It’s important to acknowledge that a Designed Alliance is not chiseled in stone. It’s a dynamic agreement and anyone can revisit it at any point.
OVERALL GOAL
As human beings we crave clarity. It allows us to feel safe. When we feel safe, we can do our best work and meet our potential.
The Designed Alliance allows us to gain clarity — with the understanding that new information and experiences will come along that may require changes to the Designed Alliance.
Finally, the Designed Alliance is not about doling out responsibilities. It’s about speaking unspoken expectations about how the relationship will function and feel. For example, a designed element may be having clarity about responsibilities in order for the relationship to thrive.
WRAPPING IT UP
I really hope you never had the experience I described with interviewing and creating a dream relationship to then have it fall apart. I’ve lived that enough for everyone! But since I started using the Designed Alliance tool, my relationships have gotten much much better because unspoken expectations became known. And when relationships haven’t been a match, it’s been clear that the things that were important to each of us simply didn’t align.
JOURNAL PROMPT
If you were to design an alliance with yourself what might that look like? What expectations do you have of yourself that may not be fully spoken?
Do you have questions or thoughts about the Designed Alliance? Have you used this tool or a similar one? I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a comment!
🙌🏾 Want to work with me? I offer private coaching sessions as well as in-person and virtual group work. Reach out directly here to set up a complimentary consultation.
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