This Bunny Ruined My Life
Her name is Honeycomb and she may look super cute but underneath that soft cuddly delightfulness is an animal that completely dismantled my existence.
It all started with a text from a family friend: We have a three month old bunny and we can’t take care of her anymore. Can you guys give her a home?
My immediate response: Absolutely not.
My emotional bandwidth is full with a husband, two daughters, two dogs, two guinea pigs, numerous fish, and a wonderful bevy of extended family members, friends, clients and students.
My twelve year old daughter Aurora’s immediate response: i cn take care of her i promise i cn do it we can use my $$$ always wanted a bunny she’ll make me so happy please mommy
Here’s the thing. I actually have no doubt that Aurora can take care of a bunny. She does a great job taking care of the guinea pigs. I never have to remind her to feed & water them or clean their cage. 🤗
But what happens when Aurora goes to camp, or takes a trip with friends, or goes to college, or travels the world? Who takes care of the bunny then? 😯
I googled: How long does a Lionhead rabbit live for as a pet?
Answer: Anywhere from 7 to 10 years.
So it’s very possible that I will be responsible at some point for taking care of the bunny (along with the guinea pigs) which I really don’t love. Please don’t be mad at me if you are a bunny or guinea pig lover. As I see it, all they do is eat and poop.
And this is where my life is ruined. I stand by my “no” to the bunny. And then …
😡 My daughter is very sad. She’s not manipulating me, but I’m a people pleaser! Even with my kids! I feel guilty for denying her happiness and I know that I am the worst mother ever.
😡 My self-loathing gets triggered because I don’t know how to be more relaxed around messiness, smelliness, dirtiness. I worry my obsession with cleanliness is giving Aurora anxiety and that will impact her ability to focus and do well in school and then she won’t get into college (see previous blog post) and then she’ll never be successful.
😡 The spiral of shame sucks the life out me as I doubt the wisdom of my decision to say no and I eat a lot of unhealthy food because I am ashamed. I know that my poor eating habits will irritate my cholesterol and pre-diabetic condition and I will have severe health issues.
At this point you may be thinking, “Geez, Laverne, seems like you’re having a bit of an over-reaction. Kids need to hear no. It’s not that a big of a deal. You’ll both get over it. Eating a few bowls of ice cream with chocolate sauce is not going to kill you.”
But that’s how cognitive distortions work. They ensnare us.
A cognitive distortion is a flaw in thinking — and this specific flaw makes us feel bad about ourselves. Really bad.
There are a lot of cognitive distortions. The one I got trapped in was catastrophizing.
😡 I am the worst mother ever.
😡 Aurora will never be successful because I said “no” to a bunny.
😡 I am going to have severe health issues.
As a cognitive behavioral practitioner, I know what these distortions are and yet I still find myself in them! Why? Because they are habitual ways of thinking and it takes effort and practice and tools to stop the cycle.
So I had to coach myself out this. How?
➡️ Permission to notice and name without judgment. I paused long enough to journal out my feelings.
➡️ Calmed my nervous system. (Honestly, I was really jittery.) I have this lovely lavender spray I received as a gift and I sprayed that on my pillow … where I had curled up with my little dog Roo. Doing something that FEELS good helps to regulate and re-ground. It counters the negative feelings (which is why so many of us eat food when we feel bad.)
➡️ Looked for the truth by evaluating what I wrote. I was hard pressed to name myself the worst mother ever when I looked at all the things I did to help her grow into a healthy, happy child. There was no data to support that Aurora or any child would not be successful due to being denied a pet. And while I do have some red flags around my cholesterol and pre-diabetes, I actively exercise and eat healthy most of the time to counter and slow down those issues.
➡️ Made a note to track this trigger. Saying “no” to my daughter when she really really wants something can kick in my catastrophizing.
And that’s truly the best we can hope for: know our triggers so we can trigger less frequently and process quicker. There’s no such thing as not being triggered. After all, we are human and we have feelings and values and those get stepped on.
Bottom line: Honeycomb didn’t ruin my life or dismantle my existence. That was just me in the throes of a cognitive distortion.
When have you experienced a catastrophe that wasn’t really a catastrophe?
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