Today is my sister Teresa’s birthday. 🎂 She is funny, thoughtful, warm, loving and an incredible sister, mom and grandmother. I’ve looked up to her for as long as I can remember. She taught me to read before I started kindergarten, bought me Richie Rich comic books, shared her secret stash of Hershey Chocolate Bars, showed me how to shave my pits, let me wear the really nice clothes she bought from the money she earned working at Burger King. 🍔
Teresa calls me Bubba and I call her Tree-Tree.
She’s been through a lot in the last few years. 😬
Shortly before Covid lockdown a little over three years ago, a small lump was found in Teresa’s right breast. No big alarm bells went off and she was told to schedule a follow-up visit in six months with her doctor. Well, as we all know, the medical community was overwhelmed and “routine” visits were not possible in the Fall of 2020.
When Teresa was finally able to get that follow-up visit in the Fall of 2021, the small lump had grown to the size of a tennis ball. Which was significant on her 5”2” frame. I think the mass was as big or bigger than her boob.
The breast cancer diagnosis was understandably scary and a shock, and was complicated by her original doctor retiring and a mess of insurance approvals and who would cover what and pay how much. When living on a lean budget, it’s difficult to navigate the costs of health care against the potential risks, side effects and outcomes. (That’s a blog for another day.)
The tennis ball was removed right after Thanksgiving and right after that her long-time partner Joe got Covid. Initially it seemed like it might be a bad cold, or maybe it was more of a hope that it was a bad cold. But his struggle with breathing, loss of energy and underlying conditions made a visit to the ER necessary. Joe was admitted to the hospital for a “few days.”
There were several times that the doctor said to Teresa that they were doing everything they could, but the rest was up to Joe and God. I distinctly recall two conversations in which Joe was going to go home, and then his condition would worsen. Both times, it felt like a sucker punch to have hope fueled and then be told going home wasn’t possible.
Joe refused to go on a ventilator.
Teresa and Joe’s kids were not allowed to see him unless there was a “change in condition.” That’s code for “things are going south.” 😦
So while waiting for calls or messages from the hospital about a change in condition, Teresa met with her doctor to figure out her treatment plan. Chemo, no radiation. After that another scan to make sure that the cancer hadn’t spread.
Teresa got to see Joe on three occasions, the last one being the day before he died.
The day he died was the day he agreed to go on a ventilator. They put him on at 4 am, and while he and Teresa didn’t get to speak right before that moment, I can hear his sweet, slow drawl and know deep in my bones that he would have to said to her, “You’re awfully cute. I love you and talk to ya after they take me off this darned thing.”
And in life’s great ironies or maybe a celebration of universal love, the day Joe died was also the day Teresa’s fourth grandchild was born. 🤱🏼
I spent time with my sister after Joe died, visiting her in Tennessee. We shaved her head because her hair was falling out in clumps. We went shopping for a prosthetic bra. Not so much for vanity sake, but so that when she wore t-shirts people wouldn’t stare at her uneven chest. I’d sit at her feet while we watched television and she’d massage my head and shoulders like when we were kids. We organized some things, cooked veggies and fish, reminisced. I met some of her friends and we went to Joe’s church to feel closer to him.
We laughed a lot. I can’t tell you why or what triggered the laughter, but it was there. My sis has a silly streak a mile wide. 😝 It’s always “you had to be there” jokes.
Some things you may not know about grief - whether it’s bereavement or dis-enfranchised grief:
✔️ Grief is a social construct informed by various beliefs: family, community, religion. This means that you may be told how to grieve “properly”, but the truth is there is no one right way. Choose to accept what you’ve been taught or find your own mourning process. Do what’s right for you.
✔️ Typically grief is a non-linear experience. There are days you may feel fine, and other days you’re on the floor. It does not mean there’s something wrong with you. It simply means that you’re orienting to the loss.
✔️ Grief is not just an emotional experience. It’s also a physiological one. Amazing studies are being done about how grief impacts the brain and our bodies. Many people experience memory loss, are confused and have difficulty focusing, have a loss or increase of appetite, sleep a lot or are insomniacs. Don’t judge yourself or others for how they are grieving. Get curious and show grace.
✔️ Studies have also shown that having grief witnessed and validated can support people to find helpful meaning after loss and regain a sense of control. Oftentimes, people feel helpless, hopeless or powerless in the face of grief. Your ability to hold space for yourself or others during grief is the ultimate act of love and kindness.
✔️ Research has also shown that most people have “conflicting” feelings while mourning which causes confusion and shame. It’s normal to feel relief and resentment, or joy and sadness, or any other contradictory combination. Again, there is no one right way to grieve.
Three months post chemo Teresa got the all clear on her scans. She’s spent the last year or so visiting her three kids and the grandchildren. It’s brought her a lot of joy and groundedness. 🌼
Last month, she sold the house she and Joe shared, and moved back to Illinois. That’s another loss. Even though it’s her choice, there’s still sadness. And relief. And longing.
My sister is a private person. I’m grateful that she allowed me in during the peak of her losses. As close as we are, it deepened our intimacy and connection.
I share all this with you today for two reasons:
The desire to publicly wish my sister happy birthday and to celebrate her. I still look up to her every single day and when I’m scared or anxious, I’m grateful to be able to call her. Just the sound of her voice when she says, “Hey Bubba, what’s up?” brings me to a place of safety and security.
I realized that I had pushed my sadness about my sister’s cancer, the death of Joe and the selling of their house to the back burner. In writing this, I’m allowing myself to be witnessed and hopefully validated. In re-telling (in this short form) the events of what happened, it also allows me to emotionally and intellectually sort through it. A kind of ritual to help me find meaning and agency.
The meaning I’m making from these events is that family matters. The agency is taking the step to write about it.
Happy birthday Tree Tree!
What sadness may you be holding that has not yet had a chance to be witnessed and validated?
🙌🏾 Questions? Want to work with me?
I offer private coaching sessions as well as in-person and virtual group work. Reach out directly here to set up a complimentary consultation.
If you’re resonating with what you’re reading, please consider subscribing. What’s that mean?
🙌🏾 You’ll receive regular emails (with lots of heart and a bit of humor) that share a tool or insight from my coaching practice.
🙌🏾 Typically the blog and podcast will have a question at the end to provoke thought that supports you in your growth.
🙌🏾 Updates on offerings, free stuff, recommendations, referrals.
My blog aims to help people achieve their ambitious goals, their moonshot if you will. 😃 Oftentimes, though, we neglect an essential aspect of pursuing our dreams: the inevitable missteps, obstacles, and failures that come our way. Failing to acknowledge and process these losses properly can lead to imposter syndrome, burnout, low self-esteem, confusion, and even result in completely abandoning our dreams. 😟 That's why I strongly advocate for embracing grief awareness (along with other tools like values identification, knowing your why, sharpening executive function, habit forming, and more.) By doing so, we can effectively navigate challenges, regain motivation, and hit our moonshots. ✌🏾️ If you know someone who could benefit, please share this blog or recommend me to them. 🙏
Some Things You May Not Know About Grief 🤔