Confession: I didn’t do what I said I was going to do. It’s been happening for almost a year now and I’m grumpy with myself, have a bit of shame and embarrassment, and am ready to course correct.
It’s not like there’s someone banging on my door, upset with me for breaking my word, ready to break off the relationship and label me as un-trustworthy. Unless that someone is me. Which it is.
I’ve been working on (and mostly off) writing a book about Dis-Enfrachised Grief (DEG). If you haven’t heard about DEG, it’s a term coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka to describe any type of grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. Examples run the gamut from moving to mis-carriage to “atypical” death to job loss and much more in-between.
DIS-ENFRANCHISED GRIEF (DEG) AND ITS SIGNIFICANCE
This concept of unrecognized losses struck a deep chord in me because it’s something that I have experienced in the professional realm, and every single one of my clients has also experienced in varying degrees. For some it’s been about the struggle to find a job after being laid off, being fired, being down-sized, not seeing a project to fruition, being overlooked for a promotion. This list is nowhere near comprehensive.
My desire to write a book about DEG has been driven by how little people know about it, and once people know about it, it creates a pathway to healing, compassion, and empathy. Clients have been able to reconnect with their passion, values, talent, and fulfillment. It has given many a new lease on life.
THE DOWNWARD SLIDE
So one of my goals for 2023 was to have draft zero of my book completed. It did not come close to happening. I recognized that the “slips” I was having earlier last year with my book writing schedule had turned into a full-blown slide by summer. I doubled-down on re-doing my schedule and that was an epic fail.
DISCERNMENT VS. JUDGMENT: A SELF-REFLECTIVE TOOL
Over these last few weeks as I’ve carved out time to self-reflect, I pulled out my favorite assessment tool: discernment vs. judgment. Discernment is the absence of judgment. It’s identifying and evaluating facts, gathering data, seeing the truth simply as it is without labeling it as good, bad, right, or wrong. Judgment is black and white: it’s about good, bad, right, or wrong and while it certainly has value in some situations, I have found that judgment rarely creates space or energy for positive movement.
ASSESSING PRIORITIES AND RE-COMMITTING
When I practice discernment I can assess what happened in my book writing so that I can course correct … because writing this book is still important to me and is my number four priority in 2024 behind:
Taking care of my family and home
Working with my clients individually and in groups
Teaching at Northwestern University.
For full disclosure, I had to re-write my list of priorities a few times. In the first couple of tries the book was number one. It didn’t feel right in my body so I had to be honest with myself and align my values with my future actions.
This process also helped me to reconnect with my desire to write the book. The hard truth is that sometimes new information or experiences come along that shifts what’s important to us. In this situation, the book is still a priority and I need to be realistic that there are other priorities ahead of it. (If you haven’t read / listened to my piece about the power of “and” I highly recommend it as a game changer.)
UNDERSTANDING THE SETBACKS
The next step after assessing my priorities and re-committing to the book was to look at what happened. Why did my commitment falter?
The Los Angeles rain and wind storms in the first quarter of 2023 did significant damage to our home. There have also been ongoing mud slides that have made accessibility to our house at times difficult and at other times literally impossible. To further complicate the situation, our homeowner’s insurance is not recognizing the extent of the claim. It’s been draining on all fronts (financially, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically) and there’s no end in sight. Assessment: A significant amount of time has been diverted to dealing with this challenge.
The writers and actors’ strike impacted a movie I’m producing that was scheduled to go into production last summer. It’s been pushed to this year, but there’s been a ripple effect in terms of loss of income. To make up for some of the deficit, I further built out more of my coaching practice. Assessment: Upping my coaching hours impacted the number of hours I could devote to book writing, plus the uncertainty of when the strikes would be over left me discombobulated and I had trouble focusing.
As part of the coaching expansion, I made a decision to re-brand my website and onboard a new customer relationship tool. Assessment: I grossly under-estimated how long it would take to complete the re-brand and on-boarding.
Two clear mistakes that I made: The first is that I didn’t account for the unexpected and scheduled myself too tightly. This is a common error I make despite always having unexpected events arise. The second is that I underestimated how much time everything would take: research, analysis, writing, re-branding, learning a new app, assembling documents for the insurance company, replenishing after major stressors.
CREATING NEW BEST PRACTICES
So two new best practices: Give myself at least a one hour cushion of unstructured time each work day. This is probably not enough, but it’s where I’m going to start. It’s a baby step to allow for the unexpected. And if nothing unexpected occurs then I have a bonus hour!
Second best practice is doubling the time I’m allotting for all the tasks I named above.
Not going to lie. These new best practices are slightly triggering because it feels like I can’t accomplish as much … I think that’s a mistaken belief and will monitor it closely.
So how am I going to finish the book? Accountability. A best practice that I’ve used with many other projects, but haven’t used with the book. Yet.
THE ROLE OF ACCOUNTABILITY IN ACHIEVING GOALS
I’m going to follow what I did last year when I enrolled people to hold me accountable for completing the re-brand and on-boarding the customer relationship tool.
Accountability was the key to staying focused and on track. But perhaps more importantly the people I enrolled also gave me emotional, spiritual and mental support. They shared their best practices with me and even stepped in a few times to take over when I got stuck.
Accountability is about being witnessed. It’s about allowing myself to be seen in all my messiness and all my glory. It’s about facing my fears and short-comings, asking for support, receiving love and cheerleading. Knowing that someone is expecting me to take an action step or make a progress report is fuel in my tank.
Accountability is the PUBLIC acceptance of responsibility for my actions. No hiding under the covers.
Accountability is trust building. When I say what I do and I do what I say, I not only build trust with myself, but others can trust me as well. It doesn’t mean that I am perfect. It means that when new information or experiences come along, I communicate with myself and others. “I know I said I was going to deliver a draft by Friday, but I have COVID so let me circle back when I’m better and give you a new due date.”
Accountability is creating bumper rails to not go off the deep end into a full-blown slide. Slip-ups are inevitable and with an accountability partner or group, you can course correct more readily. Here’s the data to back this up: a study conducted by the Association for Talent Development found that only 10% of the people who have an idea or a goal are likely to complete it. However, if you have a specific accountability appointment with a person or group, the likelihood of completion jumps to a whopping 95%.
It’s not enough to have the desire or a timetable or a plan. If I truly want to write my DEG book, I need to have an accountability appointment with a person or group. And that’s what I'm doing for 2024. I’m investing in a book coach. Some real skin in the game!
BOTTOM LINE
So yeah, the endeavor to complete the DEG book fell short of my hopes and expectations in 2023. In assessing what happened, I saw that numerous external factors collectively contributed to my failure. Through discernment versus judgment, I've recalibrated my priorities and added in a healthy realistic approach to how I allocate my time. But most importantly I believe that enrolling an external accountability partner will be the game changer.
As I navigate my new plan, I will report back periodically through the year. To be transparent, I’m going to use you as an accountability partner to make sure that I hold an intention to focus on process and progress, not perfection. Thank you for being a partner-in-crime in reading this blog.
If you have a time-bound project that you’re working on and would like to be a part of an accountability group that meets twice per month, let’s schedule a complimentary consultation to see if this opportunity is a match for you. I’ve got two slots open for 2024. The group starts up on Tuesday, January 16. Here are more details and a link to schedule a time to chat.
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
Here are a few questions to help you deepen your relationship with achieving your goals and accountability.
Consider the concept of discernment versus judgment. How do you typically approach setbacks or failures? Are you more inclined to discern the facts objectively, or do you tend to pass judgment on yourself or external circumstances? How might adopting a discernment mindset positively influence your responses to challenges?
Evaluate your current priorities and commitments. Have you experienced a situation where you needed to reassess and reprioritize aspects of your life? How would you like to re-prioritize?
Explore your experiences with accountability. Have you ever enlisted the support of others to hold you accountable for achieving a goal? Reflect on the dynamics of accountability—how it felt to be witnessed, the support received, and any challenges encountered. How might incorporating accountability enhance your ability to stay focused on your objectives?
Consider the role of trust-building in your personal and professional relationships. Reflect on instances where accountability played a role in building or eroding trust. How does public acceptance of responsibility resonate with your own values and experiences? How might incorporating accountability practices positively influence your relationships and reliability in various aspects of life?
MOONSHOT RECOMMENDATION
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My blog aims to help people achieve their ambitious goals, their moonshot if you will. 😃 Oftentimes, though, we neglect an essential aspect of pursuing our dreams: the inevitable missteps, obstacles, and failures that come our way. Failing to acknowledge and process these losses properly can lead to imposter syndrome, burnout, low self-esteem, confusion, and even result in completely abandoning our dreams. 😟 That's why I strongly advocate for embracing grief awareness (along with other tools like values identification, knowing your why, sharpening executive function, habit forming, and more.) By doing so, we can effectively navigate challenges, regain motivation, and hit our moonshots. ✌🏾️ If you know someone who could benefit, please share this newsletter or recommend me to them. 🙏
Struggling With Your Commitments?