Structure Is Another Word for Control
Oh man, I am so one of those people who thrives on structure. The more structure the better. I love planning my schedule in fifteen minute increments and checking off boxes and reveling in the sense of accomplishment.
Confession. 😳 Some of the boxes I check off are things like:
💯 take a shower
💯 make a list
💯 eat breakfast
💯 go to bed
In early January, my structure fell apart. A series of storms called atmospheric rivers hammered California. It was so severe that President Biden visited the state to survey the damage. As of this writing, there’s an estimated $34B in damages and tragically 19 lives lost.
Our little neighborhood in Los Angeles got hit by mudslides, downed trees and part of the street was washed away.
My family lives at the end of this single lane road and because of the damage we, along with our neighbors, have not been able to get our cars out. It's making me sorta crazy to feel “trapped.” We walk about a third to a half mile down the road to catch an Uber or get to a rental car. The trash folx are not able to get in – and I miss our Amazon driver.
I recognize that we are extremely lucky. We have our home, we are healthy and eventually the road will be cleared and fixed. (Thanks to @NithyaForTheCity and her staff for elevating our case to the emergency services department.)
These days I feel discombobulated because I’ve had to add in extra time (which I don’t have) to trudge down the road to get my youngest daughter to school, to go workout, to get groceries, to drag the trash cans down the road for pick-up. It’s messy, muddy and not fun to do the trek at night when it’s cold and slippery. I no longer order any kind of delivery because the drivers can’t get to us.
I know this is a “high class” problem, and that our nation is dealing with trauma and despair from recent gun violence and police violence. To be transparent, I hesitated in posting this blog and delayed it as I have been processing my own feelings about these events. A good friend advised me to publish even though I don’t have words of wisdom or powerful insights to share that can help people understand and navigate these ongoing tragedies. He said, “You do have insights that are helpful in other ways. So keep going.”
So here I am in the midst of confusing times wanting my structure back. In the past, I’ve written about how I minimize my feelings of upset. I’m trying not to do that now and give myself permission to feel sad, anxious and frustrated … along with gratitude and hope.
Here’s the thing: it’s normal to have conflicting feelings. It’s how we feel about conflicting feelings that can muck us up. I was taught that clarity and singularity is the key to happiness and success. So when I’m discombobulated or have more than a single emotion, I believe there’s a problem.
Guess what? There is no problem. There are always two sides to a coin. What appear to be opposites (I’m frustrated and I’m grateful) are actually two inseparable parts of the same thing.
In the atmospheric river rain disaster of 2023, California is no longer in a drought. And there’s $34B in damages and 19 lives lost. I am relieved and sad. I am hopeful and traumatized. I am thankful and angry.
So in the category of conflicting feelings I’m longing for clarity about when the road that has washed away will be fixed.
I am at peace with the hard truth that there are other situations that take precedent.
I’m grumpy that I have to find a new structure for my day.
I am excited to find opportunities with my daily work schedule being blown up. Maybe there are things that I’ve been missing – ways to be more efficient, or folding in more spaciousness.
One of the benefits of our road closure is that I’m deepening my relationship with uncertainty. As the American Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader and author Pema Chodron says:
“The root of suffering is resisting the certainty that no matter what the circumstances, uncertainty is all we truly have.”
Structure is something that I cling to because it gives me certainty. When my structure is gone or constantly changing, I suffer.
What do you cling to that gives you a false sense of security?
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