Permission to Grieve, Part Two ✌️
A big part of my struggle with grieving is that I want there to be a clearly defined process.
If I do “X,” then “X” will happen, and then all will be fine and back to normal. You could tell me that I need to swim across Lake Michigan, run 26.2 miles, and scale the Great Wall of China. I’ll do it if that’s what needs to happen in order to no longer feel the sadness, confusion, anger, despair, and frustration that comes with my grief.
Unfortunately, life is not a marathon and there are no rules to grieving. I hate to even say “process” my feelings like they need to go through an extra rinse cycle to rid myself of excess emotion. But that is what my grief feels like … wet, heavy, messy.
When I started working with my first coach, Mona Miller, most of what she shared went over my head. I would diligently take notes, nod with enthusiasm like a bobblehead, write down my homework assignments and then not complete them. I finally confessed to her after a few months of working together, “I feel so stupid because 90% of what you’re saying makes no sense to me.”
Mona’s response: “Oh honey, that’s because you are stupid!”
That was a gut punch. I’d never in my life been told that I was stupid. I was an “A” student and the teacher’s pet. I’m also a rule follower and a pre-crastinator! (That’s someone who completes the assignment immediately vs. waiting until the last minute.) I had excelled in my studies and work because I could anticipate, prioritize and ask the “right” questions. And I believed that if I worked harder than everyone else then it would make up for my deficits in relationships, knowledge and experience.
Coach Mona explained that as long as I was locked in a perspective of knowing everything, then I could not change, grow and transform. Being “stupid” was an excellent indicator to my growth because it gave me somewhere to go.
She also told me to let go of being the “hardest worker” as a way to be liked and respected. That belief was limiting and holding me back. I had many more attributes that I could rely on other than being first in/last out at the office as a way to differentiate myself.
The hard truth is that my reliance on my intellect and rational thought had lured me into a trap of believing that grief is a continuous, linear progress. Guess what? It’s not!
Underneath all my feelings was the Godzilla of them all: powerlessness. I (still) want to believe I am in control - even if I have to jump through a gazillion hoops. Guess what? I’m not!
Wouldn’t it be amazing if there were quick fixes, instant gratification and a list of ten things to do to make you feel better? Guess what? 😉
So how to navigate the chaos of feeling really sh*tty when your heart is broken?
Kathleen Wall and Gary Ferguson write about the value of ritual in helping to “process” feelings of grief, regardless of their source, in their book RITES OF PASSAGE: CELEBRATING LIFE’S CHANGES. They outline the five steps of ritual that allow one to rewrite the narrative of loss and find hope. Here’s a brief snapshot:
#1: Let go of old ways of thinking (i.e. I’m a hard worker, I’ll work my way through my sadness!) In releasing patterns or limiting beliefs, it allows us to open ourselves up to new possibilities that we may never have seen or considered.
#2: Surrender to a lack of direction and vision. (Yikes! For someone with control issues that is a big ask. I’d rather climb Mt. Everest in a bikini.) Wall and Ferguson call this period of time “the wandering” and the value of it is in opening ourselves to discovery and new meaning.
#3: Accept feelings that are in opposition to each other. (Holy guacamole! That sounds really messy and chaotic. I prefer singularity. 😜) The loss as well as the wandering period naturally lead to being pulled in different directions which lead to contradictory emotions. You’re not broken. Polarity is normal and indicates a need to sort, not to ignore.
#4: Embrace a new way of relating to the world. What emerges from #1, #2, and #3 is a fresh vision that helps to reconcile thoughts, emotions and beliefs which results in writing a fresh narrative.
#5: Integrate your inner vision of a new beginning into the daily realities of your life. Wall and Ferguson call this “rooting.”
A cautionary note: these steps take time and are best done through ritual. I highly recommend reading their book for deeper and more specific guidance, or finding a group to support you in your efforts.
I have some shame around sharing what I’m about to share, but here goes anyway. My biggest dis-enfranchised loss happened in 2006 and I’m still not over it. (See blogs here about dis-enfranchised loss and my career cake wreck.)
Dis-enfranchised loss is when your feelings of grief are not recognized and/or supported by your community.
Examples are:
😨 The department you were working in was shuttered.
😨 You invested three years of your professional life developing a new project and it lost funding.
😨 You were passed over for a promotion.
What I’ve realized is that I’m still in the wandering phase after being fired in 2006 - I’m trying to find direction and vision as it relates to who I was as a corporate executive. By that, I mean the values that I held when I was in that gig no longer serve me today. For example, I valued being a perfectionist and a people pleaser. I’m now finding replacement values and I struggle with not knowing. There’s also a freedom in facing a blank canvas and being the one holding the paintbrush.
As Coach Mona told me many years ago, “It’s empowering to not know. If you know everything, then you have nowhere to go.”
WHAT OLD WAYS OF THINKING NO LONGER SERVE YOU?
If you’d like guidance in creating a ritual, consider joining PERMISSION - a support group for those experiencing dis-enfranchised grief. PERMISSION is a confidential, intimate, sacred space for those in the entertainment industry who are looking to have their experiences of loss witnessed and validated. Through sharing, presentations and various exercises, participants will find community and connection as well as tools to find agency and meaning. Link here to learn more and sign up. Space is limited due to the nature of the group, and participants will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement.
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