I Was Mean Girl'd
… and it seriously hurt my feelings!
It happened a few Saturday nights ago at The Bassment in Chicago, a cool live music venue on West Hubbard, where me and two friends went after a fabulous dinner to continue the good times. We actually stood in line for thirty minutes to get in - we were so looking forward to hearing some blues or a local band. It didn’t matter what was on tap, we just wanted to have some fun. This is us, inside the venue, minding our own business, taking a selfie.
Shortly after this moment, a woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties wrapped her arms around our shoulders. It was a friendly gesture and she was animated as she spoke. Hard to hear what she was saying though, it was super loud in the club, so I leaned in. I thought maybe I should know her because of how familiar her gesture was - Is she a former student? The daughter of a friend? As I was trying to place the face, her words became clear and they sucker punched me.
“You’re parents. You don’t belong here.”
This woman’s tone had shifted into a sneer. I was transported back in time like a Delorean flux capacitor to mean things people had said to me at various points in my life:
😈 “You’re a liability.”
😈 “You walk around with a stupid smile on your face.”
😈 “Do you eat dog?”
😈 “We’re better off without you.”
😈 “You’re just not good enough.”
I was knocked speechless.
She left as quickly as she appeared without any response from us. Granted my friends couldn’t hear what she had to say so it was up to me to come up with a snappy retort. I’m not sure what I could have said to her. “What if?” “Well, you’re a child.” “You’re not the boss of me.” I’m horrible with comebacks. Please, comment below and give me some ideas for future reference.
The truth is we were by far the oldest people in the club. It looked like everyone was in their twenties, maybe early 30’s at the most. Sure, we didn’t necessarily blend in with everyone else, but we weren’t causing a scene: we were standing in the back quietly enjoying ourselves.
The band, called VIE, was great. They were playing cover songs with their own unique twist: My Girl, Don’t Stop Believin’, I Got Sunshine.
The whole situation was ironic.
The entire club was dancing and singing to oldies. A lot of the songs were from my parent’s generation! It’s crazy to be judged for being old when Mean Girl’s generation was loving what came from bygone eras.
Maybe she came up to us on a dare.
Why else would someone do something so brazen and so meaningless other than to score points and look cool? Or maybe she was drunk and in a blackout? My gut tells me underneath it all she was trying to prove something to herself. She needed to feel superior. Did someone who looked like me or was my age make her feel less than at some point?
When I was in 5th grade I would point to this second grader during lunch and say “Your epidermis is showing.” It made him feel really bad. He didn’t know what the word “epidermis” meant, but knew he was being called out and mocked. I don’t know why I was so mean. I thought it was funny. It was cruel and careless. I feel really bad about it.
Maybe Mean Girl is payback for all the times I did stupid sh*t and don’t remember, but my words and actions caused someone embarrassment or hurt. In my defense with the little kid, I was 10 years old and still learning. Mean Girl is an adult.
Why did Mean Girl hurt my feelings so much?
🌵 Her actions and words didn’t match. The arms around the shoulders felt so friendly, the words were not.
🌵 The tone of voice when saying “You’re parents.” Like it’s disgusting to be a parent. How did she know we were parents? Just by looking at us and making an assumption based on our age? Why are parents not allowed to enjoy live music with a bunch of twenty-somethings?
🌵 Telling us we didn’t belong. I still don’t get it. Who makes those determinations anyway? We stood in line, we paid our $10 cover charge, we bought drinks.
So what’s the meaning of what happened?
Clearly I’m struggling to find substance to this event. As humans, we are meaning-making machines. It’s one of our super-powers. We constantly assign messages to words, action, events. The trick is finding meaning that supports, nourishes and helps us.
Here’s a simple example. I’m having coffee with a buddy. I leave and discover a parking ticket on my car. One meaning is, “I’m an idiot, I should have set my alarm to remind me to pay the meter.” Not helpful to call myself an idiot. Another meaning to the parking ticket could be, “Wow, that was such a great conversation, I lost track of time.” Much more nourishing to be grateful for the conversation and how my buddy and I got into a flow.
So this is where I’m landing on the Mean Girl sitch: Instead of “I’m old and don’t belong,” I’m replacing that with “I still got it. My friends know the best places to listen to live music and clearly I catch people’s attention.”
What meaning have you given to a time when someone was mean to you?
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