Moonshot Mentor
Moonshot Mentor with Laverne McKinnon
Is That So: How To Navigate Being Misunderstood
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Is That So: How To Navigate Being Misunderstood

I’ve decided to combine the podcast and blog — now you can listen above and read the full, accompanying post below.

A friend shared a parable with me about a Buddhist Monk who lived peacefully in a small village. He was revered by all until one day a young woman told her parents that the Monk was the father of her unborn child. The parents were outraged and went to the Monk telling him how he was a despicable human being. The Monk replied, “Is that so?” 

A year later, the young woman revealed that she had lied about the Monk being the father of her child. The parents went to the Monk and apologized for accusing him of being a bad person. They were ashamed of what they said and how it caused the village to turn on him. The Monk replied, “Is that so?”

2 women in orange robe walking on sidewalk during daytime
Photo by Racim Amr on Unsplash

I‘ve been thinking about this expression “Is that so?” every day since I heard this story. As a recovering people pleaser, I struggle mightily with the inner drive to anticipate what people want and need and to give it to them before they ask. I am hypervigilant on how my words and actions impact people and will turn myself into a pretzel to be pleasing. When I inevitably step in it, I apologize publicly and then beat myself to shreds privately. 

My people pleasing links to the fear I hold of being misunderstood and it’s frequently stopped me from setting and achieving goals because I don’t want to be judged negatively. My brain spins with thoughts like: they’ll think I’m over-reaching, they’ll wonder who I think I am, they’ll laugh at me. (And I don’t even know who “they” are!)

On the flip side, I have to confess that I have participated in gossip about other people — judging them for going after jobs that are perceived as a “stretch” or questioning someone’s ability to execute on a big idea. There was this one time where I judged a colleague for asking for a raise, thinking that she would never get it, and was flummoxed when she did. It obviously had nothing to do with her - it was a reflection of my own insecurities about standing up for my worth because I was afraid to be misunderstood as being greedy and not grateful. 

⁉️ How can I get to a place where my response to potentially being misunderstood is “Is that so?” 

⁉️ How can I get to a place where my reaction to people’s fondness or appreciation for me is “Is that so?”

⁉️  What’s the path to being so aligned with my values and purpose that I am not de-motivated or motivated by what people think of me? 

These questions are critical because my ability to achieve my goals and live authentically is being deterred by what others saying, or what I believe people may think about what I’m doing. 

Hard truth time. When you’re looking to hit a moonshot you are putting yourself in a tender, vulnerable spot. The nature of a moonshot means you are going to be uncomfortable and you will experience failure.  As a result, you may want sage advice or counsel. You may thrive on collaboration. You may want to learn about best practices or have informational interviews. So you are thrust into a position of exposure that triggers people pleasing.

What’s also tricky about asking for people’s support and thoughts is that they are honored and get invested in what you’re doing. They have skin in the game. You have put them into an “elevated” position and if you don’t follow their counsel, they may get upset or judge you. It’s a rare individual who can truly offer insight and remain detached from the outcome. 

I was recently misunderstood and it triggered me for a few weeks. I ruminated about it constantly — replaying events and figuring out ways to “clear the air” and “re-write the narrative” that I believed was being weaved. I was deeply hurt and outraged that my integrity was being questioned. My people-pleaser self was ashamed and humiliated. 

When I was able to slow down and unpack what had happened, I realized (once again!) that my way out of the trigger was to identify the values being stepped on:

😯 There was no sense of curiosity from this other person. I was told I did something “wrong” but they never asked, “Hey, I think this thing happened. What’s your take?” I was left holding their impression of me with no opportunity to counter. 

😯 Hand in hand with curiosity is the value of teamwork which includes having someone’s back. This person didn’t have my back. It came to my attention that their assessment that I did something was wrong was discussed by several people. They never came to me first with curiosity. 

😯 Another value that was stepped on is grace. I really do believe that we’re all doing the best we can, operating under unknown stress and anxiety. Instead of reprimanding someone before leaning into curiosity and teamwork, grant them grace. 

So if I’m going to walk my talk, I need to lean into curiosity, teamwork and grace. Right now I don’t have access to the person who misunderstood me so that I can honor my values of curiosity and teamwork. But I do have access to grace. 

I have a sense of the stress and anxiety this person is under, but the truth is I don’t really know. And circumstances are going to keep me in a place of not knowing. Grrrrr! I want closure! But this is real life and closure is not always available. 

So let me go back to my value of grace. I can find compassion and empathy for myself and this other person by believing that we are both doing the best we can. There may be a time when we can discuss this mis-understanding or maybe not, however, I can still project goodwill.  

By honoring my value of goodwill, I’m finding a path towards “Is that so?” Maybe with more feedback, I would discover that I was wrong, but that’s not really the issue here. The issue is that I retreated when I felt misunderstood. I was not “pleasing” so I stopped working towards my goal. 

If I was able to respond with “Is that so?” it would free me to keep moving forward, to honor my values, and not get caught up in the pain of being dis-pleasing. This expression opens a pathway for me not to buy into someone else’s thoughts of me – regardless of whether they are positive or negative.

When I'm able to say “Is that so?” I am free to live my purpose and values and not engage in people pleasing which veers me away from what’s truly unique and important to me. 

When have you been misunderstood? What values were tromped on? If there has been no closure, how are you feeling about being misunderstood? 

Questions? Want to work with me? Reach out directly here.

P.S. Here’s another version of the “Is That So” parable about the Buddhist Monk. 

If you’re not clear on your values, subscribe to get a free workbook to help you identify your core values. Knowing your values helps to course correct, make decisions, and hit your moonshot. 😁


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Moonshot Mentor
Moonshot Mentor with Laverne McKinnon
Stories, tools, and strategies to conquer career setbacks, including grief work, as unresolved loss can lead to diminished resilience—a career challenge faced by everyone at some stage in life. Each podcast is an audio blog post from Laverne McKinnon, a Career Coach and Grief Recovery Specialist, Film and Television Producer, and Northwestern University Professor.