It started out with the best of intentions.
I was longing to sharpen how I interact with current and prospective clients so I could provide the best value and greatest impact. [In this blog, I’m going to use bold italicized text and brackets to point out the different parts of what led up to my trigger, what went on during it, and how I managed to get through it. For example, notice the words “best” and “greatest.” Those are indicators of my dance with perfectionism.]
Knowing that I can’t do everything myself [yay me! battling imposterism by acknowledging I can’t go it alone], I chose to hire a new indie contractor team member with an expertise in strategy, branding and design to help me achieve excellence. [Yikes! Substituting the word “perfection” for “excellence” - that’s another perfectionist dance move!]
WHOOPS, I DID IT AGAIN: THE SLIDE INTO PERFECTIONISM
I performed the following tasks with diligence:
✔ Scheduled a consultation call with David, the Branding Expert, who I had been tracking for over a year.
✔ During the consultation I provided clarity on the scope of work and we discussed his rates. I trusted my gut and said yes to working together.
✔ Gathered and sent all necessary materials for David’s review.
✔ Received a comprehensive (thorough and top notch!) report from David along with a proposed agenda for an upcoming 4 hour work session.
✔ Culled through the report, took notes, conducted research, and went above and beyond with prep work to ensure that I was ready to suck the marrow out of our time together. [“Above and beyond” are clear indicators I have been triggered and am now fully in perfectionism mode.]
✔ Approved the proposed agenda with the caveat that if we didn’t get through the entire agenda that was okay. I would schedule additional time to work through areas of concern. [I noticed the trigger and gave myself permission to not complete all the agenda items.]
I stayed up until 11 pm the night before our work session: writing fresh website copy, populating the recommended CRM (Customer Relationship Management) platform with my logo, clients, emails and other design elements. [Over-preparation of this nature is another sign of perfectionism at work.]
The day of the work session, I woke up at 3:53 am and knew I was never going back to sleep. I was excited for what would be a game changer for reaching my next set of business goals. I was at my laptop at 4:01 am. Five hours until go time: I was committed to getting everything I possibly could out of my investment and David’s time. [Note the words “game changer” and “committed to getting everything” as setting unrealistic expectations.]
It started out great. We reviewed our agenda and while my spidey-sense was on high alert that I was trying to accomplish too much, I felt I could power through and would take copious notes. David was also recording our work session o I could review it at a later date. [Intuition was operating and at this point I was listening to it.]
THE ESCALATION OF THE PERFECTIONISM COLLUDING WITH FAULTY THINKING
When we began a conversation about my love for the color purple, hex #332B98, my perfectionist kicked into overdrive. As we played with a color palette built around hex #332B98, I became concerned that it wasn’t right. The palette looked very very grapey. Like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka.
My inner dialogue sounded like this: I don’t want to be Veruca. I want to be cool and warm and inviting. I know nothing about color theory. I have no clue what color goes with what. It doesn't matter what I like if it's repulsive to other people. I’m so dumb because I know nothing about monochromatic color palettes vs. analogous, complementary, split complementary, triadic, square, or tetradic. [Clear hyper self-criticism here linked to my perfectionist’s unreasonable expectations of getting it right.]
My boobs and pits started to sweat. I took off my zip-hoodie. [Somatic response to the stress of imperfection.]
[The real question I was grappling with is how do I build a color palette that’s so awesome that people will love me? People pleasing is a kissing cousin to perfectionism.]
We moved over to website copy. What’s one sentence for the “hero” section that encapsulates everything I do as a coach, that’s catchy but not salesy, and is unique but relatable? I had nothing to pitch.
My inner dialogue sounded like this: I have no clue what a “hero” statement could be. It doesn't matter what I write if it's repulsive to other people. I’m so dumb because I know nothing about how to write the perfect hero message that makes clear what I do, for whom I do it, why I exist … what is the purpose of life, what happens after we die, is there a meaning to existence, do we have free will or is everything predetermined, what is the nature of reality, how do we know what is real, what is consciousness and how does it arise, are we alone in the universe? [There was so much faulty thinking here in the form of magnification combined with catastrophizing.]
All in twelve words or less.
SLOW THINGS DOWN TO ASK YOURSELF WHAT DO I NEED AT THIS MOMENT
Miraculously, I was able to ask for a five minute break and used the time to breathe and ask myself, “What do I need at this moment?”
All I could think is, “I need to get this right and not waste David’s time or my investment.” [“Need to get this right” is an indicator of perfectionism. “Not waste” is more faulty thinking - once again catastrophizing. Monday morning quarterback: Next time don’t put a clock on the break. Take the time needed to re-ground.]
The next push was to ask David questions about the new CRM platform. I thought the parts I was struggling with would take us 5-10 minutes to work through because I had not only spent several hours watching David’s well-done tutorial on using the platform, but also populating it. [“5-10 minutes” is another form of faulty thinking called minimization. It connects to a form of imposterism called “The Genius.”]
40 minutes later I was burnt toast. [Here I did a good job noticing and naming the burn out - at least in my thoughts.]
My inner dialogue sounded something like this: How do I get out of this work session without being an asshole? I need a burger. David’s such a nice thoughtful human — why can't I digest everything he’s saying? I need a burger and fries. He’s being so specific but everything is going over my head. Nothing is computing. I need a soda with my burger and fries. Maybe a chocolate shake. I’ll use my In N Out gift card. [Notice the concern about being liked and likable: “without being an asshole” was a primary concern.]
WHEN SELF-SOOTHING, IT’S CRITICAL TO ACTUALLY RECEIVE THE LOVE
I ended our work session early. I thought about lying, but couldn’t come up with a credible fib. So I confessed that I had nothing left in the tank. David was gracious and we agreed to a work plan moving forward. [Another good job here when I practiced vulnerability and acknowledged my lack of energy and took care of myself.]
I got to In N Out ASAP. Ate my cheeseburger and fries and slurped 7-Up on the drive home. [Critical error here: I made a smart choice to do something that would self-soothe and calm my nervous system, but I literally didn’t slow down to enjoy it.]
Back home with my tummy full, I dove back into website copy. It gave me a sense of satisfaction to power through self-doubt and not let it stop me. [However, because I didn’t give myself the space to enjoy the burger, I was not able to quell the dis-regulation. I was checking off a self-care box and moving through steps I knew were the “right” things to do. But, I didn’t actually receive the compassion I was granting myself so I was still quite agitated.]
Six hours later I completed the copy rewrite and went to bed exhausted. [I was in a manic phase of dodging the choke hold of self- loathing and hatred by doing, doing, doing.]
THE SPIRAL CONTINUES INTO DAY THREE
Early the next morning I dove into the new version of Squarespace — 7.1.
Quick aside: For those of you who have built a website and have used Squarespace, I'm sure you share my outrage. Squarespace does not allow for 7.0 sites or assets to be transferred over to 7.1. The 7.0 subscription plan does not transfer either so a user must start a completely new subscription. I pushed through my frustration and didn’t switch to a new platform because I’d already devoted so much time to learning Squarespace. #SquarespaceSucks #DoubleDipping #SunkCostFallacy
I spent an hour looking through the templates and chose one I thought might be a good fit. My copy was ready, I had my color palette, and I felt gritty. [Note that I wrote “gritty” and not “giddy.” I was not happy, I was focused on getting it right because I felt imperfect from the previous day.]
Then came the laborious process of uploading photo assets. I multi-tasked and watched Season One of Sweet Tooth. It’s really lovely. Highly recommend both the show and multi-tasking while doing inane tasks.
Then the sh*t hit the fan. All the copy I wrote, worked on with David, and re-wrote didn't fit in the template.
My inner dialogue sounded like this: this is a discovery process this is a discovery process this is a discovery process this is a discovery process thisisadiscoveryprocessthisisadiscovery… [A clear attempt to practice a new tool of allowing myself to learn and not have to get it right.]
It seemed the best strategic move was to pivot and work with a new template.
And that’s when the full meltdown occurred.
Assets uploaded from one 7.1 template are not transferable to another 7.1 template. I would need to upload all the photos into the new template from scratch — which originally took me 3 episodes of Sweet Tooth to complete. #SquarespaceReallySucks
The despair I felt was an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. [Catastrophizing.]
My body could no longer hold it together. Shoulders slumped. Jaw locked. Silent tears. A 1000 pounds of suffocating black sheetrock expanding into my chest. [Note this is not catastrophizing. This is noticing and naming the somatic response to distress. It’s a grounding tool.] It felt like I had wasted my life. [This is catastrophizing.] I had nothing to show for all of my conscientious effort. [More catastrophizing.]
That slippery slope I had started on was now a full blow spiral into the dark depths.
Another quick aside: I frequently coach my clients to break the pattern when the spiral starts. Do something completely out of the ordinary. For one client, she has a bottle of rose toner in her refrigerator and she'll spray a cool mist on her face. Another client has an emergency playlist of favorite songs. Each of these tools helps to slow down the spiral enough to be able to ask the critical question: what do I need at this moment?
“Go to bed,” said a voice inside my head.
My body lit up with the idea of curling under the covers spooning my little dog Roo and simply allowing myself to feel really really bad and sad. [Notice the somatic response to the idea of going to bed. Paying attention to the body’s response adds data to assist in decision making.]
Another part of me was disgusted with myself for even thinking of that as a possibility. Who takes a nap at 5 pm? [Note the gremlin voice. Remember that gremlins always show up when you’re on to something good.]
“Go to bed,” said the voice again. I knew it was what I needed at this moment.
I broke the pattern of continuing to work through the pain and went to bed. It was wildly uncomfortable to experience tenderness from myself. I drifted off to sleep with Roo.
NOW WE’RE GETTING TO COSTCO
When I woke up the next morning I still felt emotionally wobbly and could hear the whispers of the gremlin voices: You’re nothing because you can’t master copywriting, Squarespace, design, color palettes, or a CRM platform. [Good work noticing and naming the gremlin voice.]
I was able to ask myself, “What do I need at this moment?” [Excellent job of slowing things down to check in.]
I should exercise was the first thought. [I was able to catch the “should” and knew the suggestion came from a gremlin as much as I love Orange Theory Fitness. Now was not the right time for a hard workout.]
Instead I went to Costco.
I enjoy strolling the aisles and looking at all the merchandise, baked goods, butcher section, etc, etc. I like chatting with the product experts as they provide samples. I find the customers delightful as they come across bargains: 12 croissants for $6! Yippee!! I love the efficiency of how the floor is laid out. I know it’s crazy, but Costco is soothing to me. [Good job knowing what feels good and giving it to myself.]
As I looked at a box of Rastelli’s ABF 42 Burger Variety Pack (Wagyu, Angus, Short-Rib, Dry-Aged) for $159.99, it really struck me how buying in bulk could both cost a lot and save a lot.
And that’s how Costco brought me back to sanity.
This paradox of two conflicting truths unraveled my flawed perfectionist thinking.
Buying in bulk both costs a lot and saves a lot.
Light cracked through the 1000 pounds of suffocating black sheetrock in my chest. My jaw unlocked, I could breathe easier. I was able to see the truth:
I am struggling and I am competent.
I am at a loss with elements of Squarespace and I know who to ask for help.
I’m confused by color palette guidelines and I know what I like.
This is not new information! I have written about conflicting truths a multitude of times.
The hard truth is that we are imperfect as humans and we frequently need to re-learn tools. Especially when they involve rewiring our brains out of old patterns into new ones.
BOTTOM LINE
➜ The goal is to know our triggers so we can trigger less frequently and process quicker.
➜ Triggers can be big or small. One person’s trigger is another person’s walk in the park so never compare and contrast. The trigger from my recent experience was receiving feedback on my branding (which I agreed with!) and then needing to get it all “right” before my work session with David.
➜ Processing quicker is also relative. Five years ago this same trigger would have had me in its clutches for weeks. Processing is also complicated by faulty thinking or what we coaches and therapists call “cognitive distortions.” (Here’s a piece from Harvard Health to explain it further.) It’s helpful to notice and name flaws in your thinking - without judgment! That way you can ask: what’s the truth? Where’s the data to support the idea that I’ve wasted my life.
➜ Gremlins are those voices that are designed to slow and stop us from meeting our potential. They show up when we’re onto something good. So when the idea of resting and going back to bed popped up in my head, my gremlin had its sticky judgy fingers all over it.
➜ Listen to your body. It has a lot of great information and can give you clues on what you need.
➜ Slowing everything down by giving yourself a break, and really taking one, will give you space to ask: what do I need at this moment. We’re not looking to solve world peace here. We’re looking for one small baby step to help calm the nervous system. It could be a cool mist, a favorite song, a burger, a nap, a trip to CostCo. Clearly for me, I had to ask what I needed at that moment several times over the course of a few days to get my center back.
➜ Finally and specifically for me, and hopefully helpful to you, the tool of conflicting truths gets me out of my spiral. I can be wise and know nothing. It’s wonderfully freeing.
QUESTION FOR YOU
What are you currently struggling with? Ask yourself what you need. Then pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself again what you need at this moment. If there’s a “should” in there, question whether the suggestion is coming from a gremlin.
Remember when you’re breaking patterns that no longer serve you, grant yourself compassion for how difficult it is to do so.
P.S. Luckily, I have a team and an inner circle to rely on to celebrate me and help me course correct when I get off track. It’s not enough to know the tools, have the affirmations, read the books, take the online courses. It’s critical to be witnessed, validated, mirrored, and listened to in order to keep learning and growing.
Adriana Rizzolo has been both a mirror and a spiritual teacher for me. She has an extraordinary ability to help me find my center and to re-ground in the midst of chaos and despair. She is the founder of Body Temple Church, Power of Love School, and the creator of Body Temple Dance. She’s also a somatic healer, writer, adult sex educator, and guide for the great unknown. She embodies muddy depths, the wild, sensuality, love and courage. And she has the most amazing laugh. I’m recommending her to you because she is uniquely qualified to help break stubborn, hidden patterns. Follow her. Work with her.
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How CostCo Brought Me Back to Sanity