There are times in our jobs and careers when we are in a zone of productivity, groundedness, and are able to navigate challenges with ease. We have confidence in our skills and talents and don’t sweat the small stuff. Even when big obstacles arise, we’re able to connect with the best parts of ourselves. It’s a sweet place to be.
Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, calls this zone the “Window of Tolerance.” When we’re in the Window of Tolerance, we function well in everyday life.
When we are outside the Window of Tolerance, we find ourselves unable to cope with stressors, anxiety, obstacles, challenges, and minor and major annoyances. I know, it kind of sucks.
But there’s good news! We have the ability to understand when and how we move in and out of the Window. With this understanding, the Window can become a powerful tool to move forward in your career, whether it’s seeking a promotion, lobbying for a new project, interviewing for a job or seeking new opportunities.
One of the really awesome aspects of the Window of Tolerance is that you can actually expand it — meaning you can learn to withstand even greater challenges, which will then set you up for more sustainable success. I’m not talking about tolerating pain, I’m talking about a shift in mindset.
Let’s break it down.
How to Use Your Window of Tolerance
Your Window of Tolerance is an indicator of your resiliency and ability to respond, not react, to stressors.
Being inside the Window of Tolerance allows you to regulate emotions and practice self-control. You can think clearly and thoughtfully. You are able to problem-solve, strategize, organize, plan, execute, and stay focused.
Unfortunately, we don’t always stay inside the Window, and trying to stay there 100% of the time is an unreasonable expectation. It’s best to accept that, as humans, we are imperfect and embrace consistency over perfection.
The goal is to know our stressors so we can expand our Window of Tolerance. To get us there, it’s important to understand the two zones outside of the window: hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal.
Outside the Window of Tolerance: Hyper Arousal
When we find ourselves overwhelmed, panicky, or overcome by emotion, we are in what Dr. Siegel calls “hyper arousal.” It may feel like you’re in a fight, flight or freeze state, not knowing whether to run, hide or do battle.
What’s happening is our nervous system is kicking in to try and deal with a threat — which is frequently anything we can’t tolerate. For some people, an angry call from their boss feels like a fly buzzing around their head, while for other people, it triggers alarm bells.
Your body may feel agitated with “nervous” legs or feet, your hands may clutch and twitch, and your torso, neck or jaw might feel tense and tight. Many people describe feeling like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi barreling down a dark country road.
It’s not only wildly uncomfortable to not feel in control of oneself, it can also lead to words and actions that are unprofessional and can jeopardize your job or future prospects.
Clients describe having angry outbursts, being an asshole, and feeling moody, defensive and snappy as opposed to when they’re in their Window of Tolerance and are able to feel upset but not become reactive.
Outside the Window of Tolerance: Hypo Arousal
On the flip side of hyper arousal is hypo arousal. (I sure do wish Dr. Siegel had come up with a word that was easier to distinguish.)
Once again, the nervous system is trying to help out with a perceived threat, but this time by shutting down. You might stare blankly, hold your breath, sleep too much, have insomnia, or loss of appetite. The nervous system is completely overloaded and has to shut down. Sadly, many people in the hypo arousal state withdraw from friends and loved ones as a result.
Let’s go back to the angry call from the boss. A hypo arousal response might look like a loss of words, your stomach dropping out of your body or dizziness.
Hypo arousal can be experienced as a loss of focus, passion and productivity, which can appear unprofessional, leading to a loss of opportunity.
The Primary Difference Between Hyper and Hypo Arousal
Hyper arousal is reactive with impulsive tendencies like negative self talk, hypervigilance and feeling overwhelmed.
Hypo arousal is being zoned out or feeling disconnected and numb mentally, emotionally and physically.
Either way, you’re disregulated.
How To Get Back Into the Window of Tolerance
First, I want to be super clear that everyone has their own Window of Tolerance. We all have a unique and wide range of emotions, responses and reactions to challenging situations. What’s triggering to one person may be a walk in the park to another. So never compare yourself to another human or judge someone else’s coping ability.
Whether you are in hypo or hyper arousal, you are reacting. I want you to respond to your triggers. Understanding the distinction between the two may help you modulate and return to your window of tolerance.
Respond means that you are grounded, clear-headed and honoring what’s important to you (aka values).
React means you are panicked, reckless or frozen and have no idea what values even are.
Our goal is to understand what is intolerable to you so that you may respond to it not react. That way you can learn to grow in your tolerance of the trigger. When you become more tolerant, your Window of Tolerance expands.
A way to help you identify your triggers is to think about a time when you experienced hyper or hypo arousal. What happened? What was intolerable for you? We’re going to call that a trigger.
Now consider another time when you experienced hyper or hypo arousal. What happened? What was intolerable for you?
Repeat this exercise until you have a list of your triggers.
ProTip: Write down your triggers in a place that’s accessible to you — on a post-it, in the notes function of your phone, etc. Reviewing the list will help you notice if you’re moving out of your Window of Tolerance.
Now that you know your triggers, you can remind yourself when you’re walking into a trigger zone. One way to prepare is to use breathing techniques. Here are three of my favorites with hyperlinks for more information.
Box Breathing (used by Navy Seals): Breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds, and hold for four seconds. Repeat eight times.
4-7-8 Technique: Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat eight times.
Resonant Breathing: Gently breathe in for six seconds, gently breathe out for six seconds. Do not overfill the lungs, nor exhale too harshly. Go slowly and rhythmically.
If these breathing techniques don’t work for you, I recommend practicing them when you’re feeling relaxed and not agitated. If you’re in a state of arousal and they’re not working, try taking a walk to remove yourself from the situation. Movement signals to the body that you are in action and getting to safety. Some of my clients have found doing sun salutations, throwing a ball or playing hoops helpful.
Case Study
Let’s use me and the example of an angry boss as our case study because I’ve had a few that were screamers.
I’ve known since I was a kid that someone yelling at me is a trigger. Yelling puts me into a state of hypo arousal where I can’t respond and my brain freezes. I became hypervigilant in work situations. I would shrink and blend in as much as possible to avoid being caught in the crosshairs of yelling.
What helped calm my nervous system was the box breathing technique. It would quell the jitters enough so I could remember that I had the choice to walk away if my boss started yelling.
There was one time when a boss screamed at me over the phone for maybe a half hour or forty minutes. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t hang up. It’s because I was in hypo arousal and frozen. After that “conversation,” I took a walk and was able to do some resonant breathing.
As I became more adept with both the box breathing technique and tolerating the yelling, I was able to create boundaries. I told my boss during a calm period that their yelling was upsetting. I shared how I was willing to have a difficult and constructive conversation, but if they yelled at me again, I would walk away until we could have a quiet conversation. It wasn’t easy at first, but it got easier.
Since then, I’ve identified additional triggers that pull me out of the Window of Tolerance. For example, continuously being interrupted when I’m speaking or any type of cruelty to another being and unfair treatment. Sometimes I’m not able to avoid slipping into hypo arousal and rely on my family to help calm my nervous system through gentle hugging and soothing words.
Bottom Line
Navigating our way back into the Window of Tolerance isn’t always straightforward, but it’s a journey worth undertaking. By recognizing our triggers and understanding how they affect us, we can start to develop a toolkit that helps us stay grounded, even when the going gets tough. Techniques like mindful breathing, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed can make a significant difference in how we respond to challenges.
The more we practice staying within our Window of Tolerance, the more resilient we become. Resilience isn’t about never feeling stressed or overwhelmed but about learning how to return to a balanced state when we do. It’s about giving ourselves grace, acknowledging our human moments, and choosing how we want to respond.
Remember, expanding your Window of Tolerance is a process. It requires patience, practice, and a willingness to learn from each experience. But with each step, you're building a foundation for a more mindful and intentional approach to both work and life. Keep exploring, keep reflecting, and keep growing.
Journal Prompts
These prompts can serve as a starting point for you to better understand your own experiences with stress and resilience and to develop more effective strategies for staying within your Window of Tolerance.
1. Reflect on a recent experience where you felt either hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused. What triggered this reaction, and how did it affect your ability to respond to the situation? What might you do differently next time to stay within your Window of Tolerance?
2. Think about a time when you were able to handle a stressful situation with ease and grace. What was different about that experience? What strategies or mindsets helped you stay grounded? How can you apply these strategies to future challenges?
3. Identify your personal triggers that often push you outside your Window of Tolerance. How do these triggers typically make you feel, and how do you usually react? What are some practical steps you can take to expand your Window of Tolerance around these specific triggers?
4. Consider the support systems you have in place for when you're feeling overwhelmed or shut down. Who or what helps you return to a state of calm? Are there additional resources or practices you could explore to help better regulate your emotions?
5. Explore the concept of responding vs. reacting. Can you think of an instance where you reacted impulsively rather than responding thoughtfully? What was the outcome, and how did it align with your values? How might you cultivate a habit of responding rather than reacting in future situations?
What’s Coming Next Week
Feeling stuck in your career and wondering if it’s time for a change? If you’re in an industry like entertainment that’s going through a rough patch, you might be unsure whether to wait it out or pivot to something new. What if you could make that decision with more confidence and clarity? In next week’s blog, we’ll dive into two decision-making models that can help guide you: a pragmatic approach and a spiritual approach.
Sources:
How to Help Your Clients Understand Their Window of Tolerance
What Is the Window of Tolerance, and Why Is It So Important?
🙌🏾 Questions? Would you like additional support in accessing resilience? I offer private coaching sessions as well as in-person and virtual group work. Reach out directly here to set up a complimentary consultation.
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