Have You Ever Held A Mistaken Belief?
Seventeen years ago this week our eldest daughter, Mitzi, was placed in our arms forever.
You can see how grumpy she is in this photo. She’d been in a bus with a bunch of crying babies for a few hours to get to the hotel in Yangzhou, China where she would become our baby. She had no idea the journey we had taken to get to her - so full of mistaken beliefs — and yet, we still made it.
Mitzi’s clutching a photo in her right hand of my husband, Chuck, and I — part of the application packet we had submitted 10 months earlier. Even though she was 15 months old with limited to no understanding of the terms father and mother, the social welfare institute nannies told her that she would be meeting Mommy and Daddy — and gave her the photo to become familiar with our faces. I don’t know whether to believe she could know us from a photo, but my heart ached seeing her holding on to it for dear life.
The adoption agency said babies like bright colors, so I’m wearing a pink shirt despite my regular “uniform” of some kind of black top. Again, not knowing what to believe, I bought a shirt I only wore that once. I wanted her to like me.
Moments before this, I was sitting in our hotel room waiting for the call to go to the conference room where we would meet her for the first time. Two months before that, we’d received a call from the adoption agency letting us know that a match had been made. Twelve months before that, my marriage was in disarray.
Mitzi stopped screaming when I gave her an animal cracker. I made silly faces and held her tight on my lap at one of the end conference table while Chuck huddled with the head nanny and director of the social welfare institute. They filled him in on what she ate, her schedule, her temperament. And then 30 minutes later, we were on our own. I had mistakenly thought they would be with us for a few days and teach me how to be a mother.
The night before I couldn’t sleep. Ok, the truth is I was having a panic attack, and I cried and cried. What if I was making the biggest mistake of my life and we were going to ruin this child’s life? Chuck and I hadn’t worked out any of our marital problems … I had placed the entire adoption process on hold when we separated … and somehow the agency still went ahead without my knowledge or approval and filed our application with the Chinese government.
Chuck and I had gotten married with the understanding that we wouldn’t have children. When I broached the subject he said, “Ok, let’s do it.” What he was really saying was “I don’t want to not be married to you so I’ll try to wrap my head around being a father again.” I had no idea what was truly in his heart and took his words at face value. Then came a tumultuous few years of trying to get on the same page. I’ve always said our problems were never about a lack of love. It was a lack of knowing how to communicate.
When we got the news that our application had been sent, Chuck and I sat at the dining room table. Do we stop the process and stay separated? Do we stop the process and divorce? Do we say nothing and move back in together?
I had never wanted to be a parent, but one day in my mid-thirties I woke up and there it was. Boo! The thought scared the shit out of me. What drove me? A new belief that if I could be 10% of the mother my mom was to me, the world would be a much, much better place.
So I said yes to that belief and Chuck and I moved back in together. But we still had that lack of communication problem and we didn’t fix what was broken.
And then in a blink of an eye there was a child in our arms. As I did my best to distract her from her restlessness, I worried she might not have the strength to hold Chuck and I together. I know, that’s a lot to put on a child and I think of myself as a smart person.
Mitzi calmed once we went to the hotel room and she could walk and crawl on her own. She just wanted to move around and not be cooped up. And then the magic began and over the next few days she began to smile and clung to me like she was from my womb. I was still feeling fear … and there was so much joy in holding my girl.
This photo is ten days later in Guangzhou, China. Look in our eyes.
I see our joy at being the parents of this exquisite child. Who we named after my mother. (My mom’s actual name is Mitsuko — everyone called her Mitzi.)
I see in Mitzi’s eyes a look of trepidation and anxiety. She seems to be wondering if there’s a giant bear about to sniff her.
I see in Chuck’s eyes an open-ness and whole-heartedness. During the two weeks we were in China completing the adoption process, he crafted a bunny stuffy for Mitzi. He was all in.
I see in my eyes new love and a reserve. Am I really capable of making this leap? Of being even 1% of the mother my mom was to me?
I didn’t know the answer to who I could be as a mom so I closed my eyes and held tight.
As I look back at that moment in time, I recognize many mistaken beliefs that I held:
🤦🏾 I can power through the pain.
🤦🏾 If I ignore the problem it will go away.
🤦🏾 A child will fix everything.
🤦🏾 My husband should know what I’m thinking.
🤦🏾 I have to be my mother in order to be a great mother.
Mistaken beliefs are thoughts we hold to be true that take us away from our values, building connection and relationship repair. They collude with those “gremlin” voices that also keep us small and stop us from living our life purpose. It’s frequently difficult to discern between a mistaken belief and the truth.
Can you name just one of your mistaken beliefs?
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