Grief Is Love's Sidekick
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When those words came out of my friend Barbara Bloom’s mouth they stopped me in my tracks. Pieces clicked into place that previously had refused to come together.
Of course, the pain from loss is correlated to the depth of affection, appreciation, and care that I hold for a person, place or thing. The two go hand in hand like fries and ranch dressing, chocolate and malt, oatmeal and raisins.
One of the many ways I navigated a career in entertainment was to fall in love – not romantic love, but a kind of devotional, platonic love. Although I did fall in love with my husband when we met at Klasky Csupo (the animation company that did Rugrats). He was head of production, I was head of development… it’s a story for another time.
I imagine most people are like me – frequently being given assignments that were not an affinity match. But I wanted to do a good job and be rewarded for my work, so I found something in what I was doing to appreciate. Once the door opened for appreciation, I could find my way forward.
There was this one time early in my career when I was given an assignment to write a guidebook for writers about FCC regulations dealing with children’s content. I did not want to be the one responsible for sharing and enforcing these non-negotiable rules. I wound up falling in love with the design of the guidebook, rather than the words. I loved the font, the spacing, the colors. It looked smart and elegant.
My favorite falling in (non-romantic) love feeling was with my colleagues. Being in the trenches, navigating confusing directives, plotting around politics, doing lemonade cleanses, fudging our expense accounts — it really helped me get past some of the bigger challenges and disappointments because I wasn’t in it alone. My coworkers would come to my house for holidays, we’d meet at the gym at the crack of dawn to work out, pull all-nighters, then head to the Grove for drinks after work.
When I was fired from my job, so much of my grief was about missing my work mates. It was devastating not to hear from them when I was let go and I was ashamed of my naivete in thinking that we were real friends. Many people did reach out, but oddly not the folx I had directly worked with at the company… it was debilitating because I truly loved them.
Grief and love are intertwined.
In retrospect, I sorta understand why I was treated like a leper. People frequently don’t know what to say or do when someone is experiencing dis-enfranchised grief. Or they don’t want to be associated with someone who is no longer in favor. Or maybe they didn’t like or respect me and were relieved I was gone.
Over the past few months I’ve had dozens, if not a hundred conversations about losses in people’s careers. What shines through is that they were in love. They loved their career, they loved the opportunity to express themselves, they loved using their talents and being appreciated and respected. And maybe most importantly, they had a sense of belonging and purpose.
I’ve come to believe it’s inevitable that I will feel grief whenever I feel love. I’ve also come to release the mistaken belief that I can choose who or what to love. I really did try though, to not love so deeply because I thought it would protect me from pain. But it didn’t work… grief is love’s sidekick.
Will you tell me why you agree or disagree that grief is love’s sidekick? Let me know in the comments below.
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