The $7500 check was a huge surprise. I didn’t realize my new gig at CBS in 1996 came with an annual bonus (dependent, of course, on the company meeting certain success metrics). I was so naive I didn’t read the contract I signed. At that point in my career, success was getting paid on a regular basis plus a few weeks of vacation and ten holidays. That felt flush to me.
I called my Dad to share the great news. He said, “Don’t spend it all. Put it away for a rainy day.”
Dad was looking out for me because he was a child of the depression and lived paycheck to paycheck for a big portion of his life. But his words were hurtful - they didn’t acknowledge the win. I saw the bonus as proof that the company liked me and I might have a real future there.
HOW MY INNER CIRCLE BEGAN
So I found a financial advisor, Greg. When we talked, I was shocked. He didn’t throw a bunch of investment strategies at me and reprimand me for taking some of the money to buy Doc Martens. He asked what my dreams were, what I envisioned for my life, what was important to me. Did I have a goal to retire? What did retirement look like? I was in my early 30’s and as much as I’m a long range planner that type of time horizon felt crazy.
Greg became a part of my inner circle. He provided a perspective about financial well-being that simply was not on my radar because I never had disposable income. He formulated a plan based on my dream of taking two international trips a year and someday starting my own company. He reviewed my employment contract and gave me recommendations on insurance, a savings plan, a 401K plan and how to save for a home along with enjoying my life.
When my dreams changed and my husband and I adopted two children, he made suggestions about a living trust and a 529 college savings plan.
When I was fired from CBS, Greg was one of my first calls. I cried on his shoulder and he walked me back from my panic. Thirty years later he’s still a part of my inner circle along with two childhood best friends (who know me like the back of their hands) and four others who I’ve met over the last 10-15 years.
WHAT’S AN INNER CIRCLE LOOK LIKE?
Your inner circle is going to look different from everyone else’s because it’s based on your values and your needs. The people in your inner circle can take many different forms:
Family
Long time friends
More recent relationships
People on retainer
Older than you
Younger than you
Talk all the time
Talk as needed
In person get togethers
Phone or video conference
What’s important about your inner circle is that there is mutual trust. Trust is your belief in the reliability of that person. To be clear, there may be miscommunications or disappointments, but you have faith that you will be met with a willingness to have difficult conversations as needed. Even an inner circle will be imperfect.
HOW DOES AN INNER CIRCLE HELP ME?
You’ve probably heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Just in case, it was a theory developed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1943 to describe how we, as humans, motivate. There are five levels (see pyramid below.) We feel stuck and lose motivation when our more critical needs are not met — thus we’re unable to be the “best” versions of ourselves.
The most basic level are physiological needs like food, clothing, water. The second level are safety needs like feeling safe from harm, and the third level is belonging and safety. Your inner circle is a key component to having levels two and three met. Once you feel certain about your personal, emotional and financial security then you’re able to find certainty around intimacy, trust and acceptance.
Here’s the rub. As humans we have a deep and natural desire for a predictable, orderly world that is within our control and certain. Unfortunately, there is very little that we control and certainty is elusive. So how do we manage this hard truth? By connecting with our resiliency — the ability to respond and rebound from mistakes, failures and faceplants. In addition to accidents, disasters, and reversals of fortune.
Our inner circle is a way for us to access that resiliency. Knowing that tough times are going to occur, we have a safety net of people that can help us respond and rebound from loss including death of loved ones as well as loss of employment, relationships, home and finances.
ONE DARK NIGHT
At a particularly difficult time in my life when we adopted our second daughter, I was too ashamed to reach out to my inner circle. I couldn’t see past my lack of parenting skill or self-loathing. There was one extremely hellish night of failures and faceplants when I drove to the house of one of my inner circle and parked outside. It was about 11 pm and no one was about. I was relieved the lights weren’t on because it gave me a more legitimate reason not to ring the doorbell. And then I cried and cried. Just being near her gave me permission to not have to hold all my fears and disappointments in. After my big cry, I had clarity on what I needed to do — which was to get therapeutic help.
BOTTOM LINE
It’s not the vastness of your network, it’s the quality of the people in your inner circle that tips the balance of your social and professional well-being. Taking off your armor with these folx to expose your most tender underbelly and your wildest dreams is the difference between surviving and thriving.
Take a moment to ponder who’s in your inner circle. Who would you like to invite in? And who might need to take a step back?
P.S. One of the coolest people I know recently said to me, “If you find a way to learn things without making blunders, TELL ME HOW.” It was a beautiful, funny reminder to step outside my perfectionist comfort zone and take some swings. You should know her. Her name is Katya Lidksy and she’s a writer, podcaster, and Dog Coach (for rescue dogs and their people). Her Instagram is as informative as it is delightful.
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How $7500 Helped Me Find My Inner Circle