It’s the uncertainty that makes me nuts. Tell me I need to run back to back marathons and I’ll tell you it sucks, but if that’s what I need to do to achieve my dreams, I’ll do it.
When I was a snotty kid in high school, I grilled burgers and swept the floors at McDonalds to save money for college. I was told that a degree from a university would create opportunities for me and help me get a good, secure job. I didn’t love that my skin and hair smelled like grease after my shift, but I worked crappy jobs for several years because I believed it would lead to something better.
When I was in college, I worked the midnight shift at one of those tv shopping shows (sorta like a low-rent QVC), setting up the merchandise for the close-up camera. Everyone was really nice and fun, but I was getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. I was told how important it was to have production credits when I graduated. It was tough to go to class with no sleep for six months, but I did it.
When I moved to Los Angeles to work in the entertainment industry, I took a 50% pay cut to get my foot in the door. I was told that if I worked as an assistant at an agency for at least one year, it would open up doors for me and I would be able to launch my Hollywood career. The pay was bullsh*t, but I did it.
So yeah, I’m willing to do the tough stuff as long as I know how it’s going to get me to the greater goal – and how long I’ll have to do it for.
But no one ever tells me the real time frame. I think it’s because no one really knows. And who wants to admit they know nothing?
How many times has a doctor said to you, “Give it a few days.” Or after submitting a script or a pitch or a project, you hear, “Let me look at it over the weekend.” Or after a job interview, they say, “We’ll get back to you next week.” And then of course that time frame rarely comes to pass and you’re left hanging.
I hate not knowing how long discomfort and pain might last. 😡
The not knowing has been a real gut-wrenching problem when I’ve been laid off, down-sized, fired or quit. I immediately go into panic mode wanting to know how long the job search will take.
Having been out of work several times in my career, my biggest take-away is not about networking, the quality of my resume, working my relationships, being flexible, treating the job search like a job, or being patient & persistent. It’s about mental and emotional wellness in the form of grieving professional setbacks.
Grief is the normal reaction to a significant loss (even when it’s your own choice to leave) … and everyone experiences grief differently based on their upbringing, social constructs, and belief systems.
Imagine grief is a broken bone. If it’s not set properly you’ll experience limited movement and pain. You might be able to function, but it’s clearly not at 100%. However, even when it is set properly and you regain full use of that part of your body, an x-ray taken years later will reveal that it was broken. Grief doesn’t go away, but mourning will help you return to wholeness.
If you don’t give yourself permission to acknowledge the loss and try to “walk it off,” you are not allowing the broken bone to set correctly. So even if you can function, it makes everything in life more difficult. Especially around negative self-talk.
There are many mistaken beliefs around grief like the time it takes. And this is where uncertainty comes in. There’s no prescribed timeline. Some people mourn and return to wholeness in a matter of days or weeks. Others, like me, take years. For full disclosure, I didn’t have any tools or skills to mourn and actually didn’t recognize that the significant losses in my career were worthy of grieving.
🧞 I wish I could tell you if you go to therapy or join a support group you’ll feel better after a few sessions.
🧞 I wish I could tell you if you went away for a long weekend of journaling you’ll feel better.
🧞 I wish I could tell you if you dedicated the next three years of your life creating a non-profit to support families living in poverty you’ll feel better.
No one knows.
What I do know is that when you allow your feelings of sadness, despair, anger, upset, and longing to be validated and witnessed, you will start the process of resetting that broken bone of professional loss.
The validation and witnessing can come in many forms (some already mentioned):
👍🏾 Therapy
👍🏾 A support group
👍🏾 Talking to friends
👍🏾 Being in nature
👍🏾 Journaling
👍🏾 Art Projects
👍🏾 Participating in any kind of activity that brings you joy
The hard truth about grief is that it will always be with you. However, if you give yourself permission to grieve and mourn then you can begin to make sense of what happened, create meaning that is empowering and find agency to move forward.
Being with your feelings and finding a safe container to process them is critical. It doesn’t take away the uncertainty of knowing how long you’ll be grieving or when you’ll find your next job, but it puts you on the road to wholeness.
What parts of your life feel uncertain right now?
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Does Uncertainty Make You Nuts Too? 🥜