I’m a lone wolf.
It’s honestly been a pain point for most of my life because I would see groups of people having fun together and longed to be a part of the “in crowd.” When I was going into middle school, I went so far as to literally strategize how I could fit in better. I studied the more popular kids and saw that they smiled a lot so I started smiling more. And I became a joiner. I would sign-up to any organized group that would have me: student council, variety show, pom-poms.
I think we all have a natural way of being, a way that we fit comfortably into our skin, where we breathe easy and our eyes soften and our jaw loosens. And then at some point early in our lives, we pick up on messaging that our natural way of being is getting in the way of being safe and successful.
As an adult, this messaging continues. Sometimes in the form of annual reviews. Sometimes it’s informal in the form of being left off of email chains, not being invited to meetings or events, or skipped over for promotion.
We start to see ourselves as flawed or broken because we don’t properly or exactly fit into the system. And let’s be clear here, frequently people are excluded through outright bias or implicit bias.
For many of us, we angrily reject the feedback while simultaneously feeling terribly misunderstood. Or we receive the feedback whole-heartedly and hire a coach to transform.
If you struggle with feeling like an outsider and experience ambivalence about your authentic self, you're not the only one. And while I hate to throw salt into the wound, I have to share that this may slow your career trajectory. It did mine.
Here are two truths to help you find a place of empowerment:
You’re not really alone.
Alone-ness is a competitive advantage.
Let’s take a closer look at both of these truths.
YOU’RE NOT REALLY ALONE
You “just” need to find your people. This is easier said than done AND it can be done.
How? By fully embracing your authenticity. This may feel terrifying and there may be a time period in which you feel even more isolated. But think of authenticity like a lighthouse. It’s a beacon that says, “I’m here. You’re safe with me. I’m your people. And you are my people.”
How do you become authentic? By listening to your wants and needs. Now you might be like me where I’ve become such an adept people-pleaser that it’s hard for me to identify my wants and needs. So I’ve had to start with slowing down and paying attention to my body. My body gives me clues as to when I’m saying or doing something that’s not authentic. My voice goes up a bit, my breathing becomes more rapid or I hold my breath and my jaw gets tight. When these things happen, I look to see what values are being stepped on - by me or someone else.
Your values are a reflection of your authentic self.
ALONE-NESS IS A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE
The desire to “fit-In” is primal. Safety in numbers. It also leads to “group think” which are collective blinders. When people are caught up in “group think” they are incapable of identifying weaknesses and threats. Which then undercuts the belief of “safety in numbers.”
As someone who is on the periphery, you can offer up perspective that the group cannot see. This is a huge competitive advantage and ensures the safety of the group.
THE INTROVERT, THE CREATIVE THINKER, THE NEWCOMER
In the workplace, the feeling of not fitting in can manifest in various ways, often subtly woven into the fabric of everyday interactions. It’s a painful and disillusioning experience.
Take, for instance, the introverted employee who struggles to assert themselves in a culture that rewards extroversion. This person feels overshadowed in meetings dominated by loud voices and quick thinkers. If this resonates for you, I highly recommend heading to your local bookstore to check out
’s fabulous book entitled Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Won’t Stop Talking.Then there's the creative thinker stifled in a rigid, bureaucratic environment, where innovation is seen as a distraction and sticking to the same old routine is prized above all else. Many of my clients who identify as creative thinkers also struggle in an environment without windows or fresh air. They literally feel like they are dying on the vine because of monotone color schemes and fluorescent lighting.
And let's not forget the newcomer, grappling with the unspoken rules and unwritten norms of office politics, desperately trying to decipher the complex social dynamics at play. When I had my first prime-time creative executive job, I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to speak about production red flags at the weekly staff meeting with the president of the network. Turns out the meetings were presentational and not to be used for actual problem-solving. I had no idea this was a rule.
All this to say that you don’t have to identify as a lone wolf to feel excluded or overlooked. You could be the introvert, the creative thinker or the newcomer or any other identity. Whatever it might be, lean into your authenticity - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
CASE STUDY
My client, let’s call her June, was hired as a creative executive for a small talent based production company. There were 6 employees including her and most of them had been working together for over five years. On the first day of the job, the two senior execs went to lunch with the big boss. The two assistants ate at their desks and gossiped. Turns out that was the tip of the iceberg in terms of what she deemed “middle school cliques.” June was not a chummy person who enjoyed small talk. She found deep satisfaction in focusing on her work during the day and being able to go home to her family at night. When she went out for meals, she preferred to either do them solo so she could read or as a business lunch to build relationships.
After a few weeks, June put on her big courage pants, leaned into her authenticity as someone who is a “strategic worker bee” and made three suggestions to the team:
The company needed a tracking system for submissions. They were not responding in a timely way which was impacting how excited reps were to send material.
The company did not have a deep well of development funds so being responsive and building relationships was important to securing the best material – which was the big boss complained about. “Why didn’t we get submitted that New York Times article?”
June suggested that the big boss do a round of meetings with select studios to talk about their vision and lay the framework for those studios to potentially secure IP on behalf of the company. This way they could be more competitive.
June used her outsider status as a newcomer to offer up these suggestions. Big Boss agreed to the tracking system, but not meeting with the studios. Through further conversation June got the okay to to pass on material quickly if it wasn't a brand fit and flag what should be read by the team over the weekend as a way to be more responsive to the community.
Think of yourself as the bird circling from 5,000 feet identifying the rocky mountain terrain just beyond the tree line – and pointing out what will be required to keep moving forward and reach the peak.
BOTTOM LINE
Societal pressures often push us to conform, telling us our uniqueness is a hindrance to success.
Feeling like an outsider at work can sting, whether it's through subtle exclusions or outright biases.
And this is when and where I say: double down on your authenticity. It is where your power lies.
Go find your people - they are there and may have been relegated to the nooks or crannies, or are simply hiding in plain sight. It takes courage, vulnerability, and patience to find them. Use your authenticity as a beacon, attracting those who accept you for who you are.
And remember that your outsider status is a competitive advantage. While the desire to fit in is primal, it often leads to groupthink, blinding us to potential pitfalls. As an outsider, you bring a fresh perspective, spotting threats and weaknesses that the group may overlook.
So, if you've ever felt like you don’t fit the mold, know that you're not alone. Embrace your authenticity, find your tribe, and leverage your outsider perspective as a unique strength in your career journey.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
Five journal prompts to help you process what you just read!
1. Reflect on a time when you felt like an outsider at work or in a social setting. How did it make you feel, and what strategies did you use to cope?
2. Consider the values that are most important to you. How do these values align (or not) with your current work environment or career path?
3. Think about a recent decision or project at work. How might your outsider perspective have offered valuable insights or alternative viewpoints?
4. Explore a time when you resisted conforming to societal or workplace norms. What were the challenges, and what did you learn from staying true to yourself?
5. Imagine your ideal work environment where you feel fully accepted and valued for who you are. What steps can you take to move closer to creating that reality in your current situation?
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What’s the Competitive Advantage to Being an Outsider?