“Losing your job is worse than losing your leg.”
This is a quote from “Silver Linings Playlist: An Amputee’s Songs of Healing,” an essay by
. I was shocked — not so much because the sentiment seemed extreme, but because it felt like Diana was looking into the deep, dark crevices of my soul and was calling me out. I have not lost a leg or a limb, but I understand how losing the identity she got from her job was more integral to her well-being than losing her leg. I’ve described my firing as a development executive as the most traumatic event of my life over the death of my mother, the death of my father, my first divorce and being separated twice in my current marriage.I appreciate how Diana writes, “It sounds ridiculous, but I stand by it.” It’s courageous and bold, and it’s her truth. Often, when we are navigating a loss, we tend to downplay it if it doesn’t fall into acceptable loss categories, like the death of a loved one. We may even negate any sad feelings because we don’t know what to do with them and are worried about being criticized.
One person said to me after my job loss, “Well, you had a good run, and I’m sure you’ve saved some money, so what’s next?” Another person said, “In the scheme of things, it’s really not that bad.” Another person said, “You really should feel grateful that you got as far as you did, not many people do.”
The comments made me feel as though my sadness was not legitimate. As a result, I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t bounce back from failure. It turns out I wasn’t broken, I was grieving the loss of my job.
You Have A Right To Mourn Your Loss
So many of my clients are also unable to grieve their losses because they believe they don’t have the right to mourn. They feel that their losses are “small” in comparison to others. For example, a professional setback like a work product not being well received is something we need to “get over” since no one has died.
How I wish we could just “get over” grief.
The truth is grief is not something to get over or get right. To understand why is to realize that while grief is universal, grieving is unique to each of us and that there are a myriad of grief events.
Grief is not the result of one type of loss: death. Grief can result from any kind of loss because it’s a direct result of attachment - attachment to a person, place or thing. The deeper the attachment, the deeper the feelings of loss.
When Your Loss Is Not Validated By Others
So what to do if you don’t feel comfortable talking about your grief with others because your loss may not be socially validated? You can look to other ways to mourn, like writing in a journal, expressing yourself through art, or making a playlist. This is what Diana wrote about in her essay: how music says more than words and how creating a playlist helped her mourn.
Each of the songs in her playlist reflected an aspect of her experience. She writes about “The Light Before We Land” by the Delgados and how
“…the strings and soaring harmonies sound like what Dilaudid felt like. They’re interrupted by grungy, ear-stinging guitar riffs, which sound like what my phantom limb pain felt like.”
Rather than making her feel worse, the songs made her feel seen, which was comforting. There’s nothing like being seen to support someone in their grief work.
Create A Playlist
In reading through Diana’s grief playlist and her narration of what each song meant to her, I was reminded how much playlists have supported me in my life.
Here is a sampling of my playlist titles:
Car songs
Date Night
Bootcamp Cardio
Creative Frustration
Good Times
Inspiration
Road Trip
When Sad
Creating a playlist and adding to it as songs capture your head or heart is an empowering tool to help you mourn. It allows you to be with your feelings and to have your feelings validated. You’re not alone in whatever your experience might be.
Songs I would listen to during my dark periods post-firing:
“Dream A Little Dream of Me” by the Mamas & Papas: At one point, I felt like a star and thought I was loved by my CBS “family.” The song's longing captured the longing I had to return to the old days.
“Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap: “What the hell is going on?” perfectly captured the confusion and chaos in my heart and soul. The music also captured my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness … “You don’t care a bit …”
“I Will Always Love You“ by Dolly Parton (I also adore the Whitney Houston version): I was literally haunted for years thinking I had seen my former boss and still wanted to make her happy. I couldn’t stop the longing. It’s so silly, but that love song and the words “Above all, I wish you love” is how I felt in my professional relationship. Go ahead, judge away. I am!
Remember, the playlist is for you and only you. It needs to make sense just for you. It doesn’t even have to make sense in your brain. It just has to make sense in your heart, in your body and/ or in your soul.
Why Not Just Talk About Loss?
In Western society, we tend to over index on talking as a way to share our feelings. Sometimes, we even judge others who we believe are not fully expressing themselves verbally. And then we also judge people who over-express! I guess we are a judgy society, and I’m judging the judgers!
With an emphasis on verbalizing one’s experiences and feelings, we shortchange those who express themselves in other ways like through movement, writing, listening, sensing, etc.
Even if you’re able to verbalize feelings, try creating a playlist to reflect an experience or mood. The overall sensory experience is completely different from a verbal connection. It can be transcendent.
A Note Of Caution
Most people understandably want to avoid feeling pain – so the idea of listening to a bunch of “sad” songs may feel like throwing salt into an open wound. Diana tried making happy playlists that would snap her “out of sadness and back to normal.” She acknowledges that she “was looking for a shortcut through grief, but there is no shortcut.”
The playlist’s purpose is to be a mirror - to reflect your feelings and to accompany you on your grief journey. During my first divorce, I listened to Toni Braxton’s “Breathe Again” about 15 million times. Now, I can’t listen to it, but at the time, it was the only thing that would bring me solace.
Diana provides a great metaphor for when she tried to use a happy playlist to short-cut the grief work. It’s like “trying to cut through cardboard with a preschooler’s safety scissors.”
Unfortunately there are no shortcuts. There are also no rules to sequentially work through in order to no longer feel sad, depressed, angry, confused, lost, or stuck. What we do know about grief is that mourning is unique to each individual AND can be supported through rituals that allow one to connect with their feelings, identify the meaning they have created from the loss, and rewrite the meaning if necessary in order to regain agency in your life.
Bottom Line
In the end, acknowledging our losses, no matter how unconventional they might seem, is crucial to healing.
Diana's essay and her bold proclamation remind us that grief is deeply personal and multifaceted. Losing a job can strip away our sense of self, and it’s valid to mourn that loss. Creating a playlist, as Diana did, can be a powerful way to process these feelings.
Music has a unique ability to capture our experiences and emotions in ways words often can't. Whether it’s a song that mirrors your sadness or one that brings a sliver of hope, let your playlist be a companion on your journey. Embrace your grief, honor it, and permit yourself to feel. You're not alone in this, and your feelings are valid.
On a final note, I highly recommend you read Diana’s essay because it beautifully articulates that there is more than one way to grieve, and more than one reason to grieve.
Journal Prompts
Here are five journal prompts to help you explore your personal experiences with loss and healing, encouraging a deeper understanding and acceptance of your own grief journey.
Think about a significant loss you've experienced, whether it's a job, relationship, or another form of personal identity. How did this loss impact your sense of self? Write about the emotions you felt and how you navigated them.
Have you ever felt others didn't validate your grief or sadness? Describe a time when you felt this way and explore how it affected your ability to process your emotions. How might validating your own feelings have changed your experience?
If you were to make a playlist to help you mourn or process a specific loss, what songs would you include and why? Write about what each song represents for you and how it might help you through your grief journey.
Beyond talking, what are other ways you’ve found helpful to express and process your grief? Reflect on methods like journaling, art, movement, or other creative outlets. How do these methods compare to verbal expression for you?
Consider Diana’s metaphor about trying to shortcut grief. Write about a time when you attempted to bypass your grief or “get over it” quickly. What did you learn from that experience about the nature of grief and the process of healing?
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Can Music Heal Your Job-Loss Pain?