Are You A Rule-Breaker Or A Rule Follower?
My dad was a rule breaker. He joined the military when he was 18 years old after he was in a motorcycle accident - hit some lady’s car (totally his fault) and he had no money and couldn’t pay for the damages.
So he enlisted to avoid a lawsuit and was stationed in Osaka, Japan. Dad met Mom and they fell instantly in love.
Look at them. This is around 1950-51. They’re really into each other.
The commanding officer said “no” when Dad asked if they could get married. There was concern and bias against War Brides. So my dad broke the rules: stole stationery from the CO and forged a letter of approval.
Luckily my father was honorably discharged … in Osaka. He and my mom stayed in Japan until he could figure out a way for them to get to Chicago. It took about a year and family lore says he had $7 to his name when they finally landed back in the States.
I could never do what my dad did. I can’t break rules, I’m a stickler for traditions, and most of all I fear being judged.
Maybe my parents instilled this in me when they started to build their lives in Illinois. My mom experienced a lot of racism - so much so that she never taught me or my siblings how to speak Japanese. Her goal was for us to be as Americanized as possible. And my dad struggled to find work without a high school degree so when he had jobs, he worked as hard to keep them as he did at them.
They taught me to “keep my head down” and “don’t rock the boat.”
Those mantras manifested in wearing the same clothes as all my friends in a desire to blend in (not uncommon as a young person - and yet I still do it today!) Manifested in taking classes I could do well in rather than stretch myself. Manifested in moving ahead with my first marriage despite knowing it wasn’t the right match. Manifested in “paying my dues” and accepting the “hazing” that came with my first Hollywood job. Manifested in not saying anything when the creepy partner at the talent agency asked me to help him fix the crotch of his pants. Manifested in not reaching out to people who were fired or downsized out of risk of association. Manifested in saying “it’s fine” in order to keep a project moving forward and not receiving credit or renumeration for my work.
I look at people who are squeaky wheels and admire them for rocking the boat and resent that they don’t feel the need to fit in. I hate that they get rewarded with attention, raises, and promotions. I feel intense internal conflict when I have the urge to say something that might be deemed disruptive. My upbringing, societal conditioning and fear almost always shuts me up.
Maybe these notions of “keep my head down” and “don’t rock the boat” are mistaken beliefs designed to keep me safe, but really keep me small. They are so ingrained it’s difficult to discern … I recognize that this post is not elegant and I’m missing key points especially as it relates to gender, race, economic status, and much more that affects one’s ability to move through society unscathed. I guess I just want to break the rules and speak my feelings without editing them into a clean, clear dialogue.
I guess I want to have my dad’s ability to say “F*ck you, I get to marry who I love.”
What rules are you longing to break?
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