Anyone Else Have A Rough Few Weeks?
Anyone Else Have A Rough Few Weeks?
Mine have been challenging. But first, this is our French bulldog Rocco.
He’s totally fine (although in this pic he’s sad because it’s not time for dinner yet), but I’m using this photo to capture your interest because I don’t have a photo of myself feeling crappy, not that you would want to see that …
Here’s what’s going on with me. Woke up on October 11 pre-dawn, flipped over to check the time on my phone, and the world began to spin like a slot machine. I blinked several times to shake it off, but the walls kept revolving. I took several deep breaths to calm myself, but they didn’t stop the reeling. I tried to focus on the painting above the fireplace to anchor my vision, more breaths, no luck. I lie there frozen believing it would have to come to an end eventually. Finally, maybe 30 seconds later, maybe a minute – I have no idea of the time – the world came to rest. I’ve never experienced anything like it – even the day when I was 12 years old and rode The Rotor at the Old Chicago Amusement Park in Bolingbrook, Illinois 17 times in a row. (That’s the one where riders stand against a circular wall, The Rotor starts to spin and then the floor drops out, and because of cylindrical force the riders are plastered to the wall.)
Throughout the day and the week after, I was super light-headed and my thoughts were fuzzy like out-of-prescription glasses. Fatigue and anxiety settled in and then there was the dizzy spell that took my feet out from underneath me.
One moment I was making Rocco breakfast, the next I had hit the floor.
I’ve never had vertigo and in sharing with friends, I was shocked to hear how many of them had the same to varying degrees. Lots of advice flooded in: lay off caffeine and chocolate, take ginko biloba, try acupuncture, look into chiropractic care, drink more water.
After the fall, I literally and figuratively got off my ass and called my doctor of 32 years who is the best – she listens attentively and holds my words and experiences with deep regard. She immediately scheduled an MRI. We are both on the same page when it comes to data over drama.
My spidey-sense said I didn’t have a brain tumor but I was scared that we’d find something horrible since I’d been having intense headaches leading up to my first spinny-sue …
The thought pendelum swung wildly from “I’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about” to “I have long-covid” to “abnormal tissue mass” to “small blip on the radar and will go away soon.” I was aware how much I was catastrophizing and then countering it by minimizing … and I felt completely incapable of stopping my thoughts from jockeying for position.
Catastrophizing and minimizing are two of many different cognitive distortions. (I’ve written about catasrophizing before when a bunny ruined my life. Check it out here.)
A cognitive distortion is a flaw in thinking that impacts how we perceive ourselves, the world around us and other people.
These distortions come in many forms, here a few:
💭 Overgeneralizing (all lawyers are evil - a future post 😃)
💭 Discounting the Positive (explaining something as luck or an anomaly)
💭 All or Nothing (it’s my way or the highway)
💭 Personalization (this only happens to me)
On one of my more challenging vertigo days, I was scheduled to meet a friend for lunch at 1 pm. I asked to change it to 12:30, my friend agreed, he sent an updated calendar invite which I accepted. And then I completely forgot because of my vertigo brain fog and was 30 minutes late. I called him from the road to say, “I’m a f*cking idiot!“ Instead of being angry, irritated or frustrated with me for keeping him waiting, he asked, “What’s wrong?” It was a loving, compassionate response.
When I got to the restaurant I dissolved in tears.
I felt really bad for making him wait, but most importantly his tender question allowed me to be fully present with my fear and anxiety. His thoughtfulness stopped the pendulum and I was able to blubber about what it was like to be so scared, and out of it, and feeling pressure that I can’t fall apart, I have too much to do, too many people relying on me. I was trying so hard to keep it together and it was taking too much out of me to pretend that I was fine and would be fine. I left the lunch exhausted and lighter.
My buddy was able to hold space and not try to fix anything which is a powerful and empowering combination.
I highly recommend trying this with a loved one in need. In holding someone as resourceful and whole they become resourceful and whole.
My MRI came back clean. I knew it!
Today my vertigo is mild and Rocco and I can play without me hitting the deck.
I don’t yet know the cause of the vertigo, if it will disappear completely, or linger on, or spike. My friends have been amazing – sending me articles, sharing their experiences, checking in. I have a plan of action in place with the support of my doctor and my intuition.
My biggest take-away from the last few weeks is how when I get scared it opens the door for my thoughts to be hijacked by cognitive distortions like catastrophizing and minimizing. In the future, I’ll be more of aware of this trigger so that I can take a closer look at the data to support my thinking. For example:
👨🏾🔬️ What facts support the thought “I’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about?” (Minimizing)
👨🏾🔬️ Have I spoken to my doctor to discuss whether I have long covid? (Catastrophizing)
👨🏾🔬️ Does an MRI confirm an abnormal tissue mass? (Catastrophizing)
👨🏾🔬️ Has time shown that my vertigo is a small blip on the radar and will go away soon? (Minimizing)
Asking myself questions to determine the validity of a potential cognitive distortion helps to re-ground, calm and choose a values based action.
What triggers catastrophizing or minimizing for you?
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