“How do I know if I’m grieving or just sad?” - R.B., Moonshot Mentor Subscriber
Dear R.B.,
It took me ten years to realize that I was grieving a professional setback. Mostly because I didn’t know there was grief that wasn’t related to the loss of life. I thought someone had to die to have permission to mourn.
Ironically, a part of me did die when I lost my job, but it never occurred to me that I could call that grief.
The distinction between sadness and grief is the depth of attachment. The deeper you’re attached to something, the deeper the sadness when that person, place, idea, or thing is gone.
Sadness is a feeling. Feelings hold important information, and they’re fleeting. They come and go as much as my teenage daughter.
I think of grief as sadness attached to something that really, really mattered.
WHY GRIEF LINGERS
What’s perhaps most important for you to understand is that unprocessed grief doesn’t just go away. It oozes. Like when you open your sunscreen tube after a flight, and the cream starts pouring out.
Sadness doesn’t usually ooze the way grief does.
You can feel sad that a project lost funding, a deal fell through, or a promotion didn’t happen. The feeling may sting, but it eventually passes.
Grief is different because it’s rooted in attachment.
It’s why one person can lose a project and move on to the next opportunity without much difficulty, while another person finds themselves ruminating. The difference isn’t a thick skin or toughness. It’s the meaning the project carried.
Perhaps it represented a dream. A chance to prove one’s worth. Financial security. Belonging. A vision of the future. The deeper the attachment, the more likely grief will show up.
And when grief goes unprocessed, it has a tendency to ooze out of the tube.
So, symptoms you may think are “just” burnout, exhaustion, or malaise may actually be grief.
Most people believe grief is only an emotional experience. They believe they can manage their feelings in the workplace or public settings. Then go home and fall apart. Well, it’s not that simple because grief is also a physiological experience, and that’s where the ooze comes into play.
GRIEF AS A BODILY FUNCTION
So how do you know if you’re grieving or simply feeling sad? One clue is to notice whether the experience has moved beyond your emotions and into your body.
In my own experience, through working with clients and in my studies, I’ve found that grief can leave “fingerprints” in the body. While this isn’t a comprehensive list, these are some of the most common ways I’ve seen grief show up physiologically.
Sleep disturbances: Insomnia or oversleeping are not uncommon. I’ve had both where I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve also had times when I cannot wake up.
Appetite changes and gut issues: A severe lack of appetite or overeating. Once again, the pendulum can swing back and forth. You may also experience constipation, indigestion, or diarrhea.
Heart and breath: I’ve had clients say they can literally feel their heart-breaking. It may feel like a heaviness, an ache, or a racing or fluttering heartbeat. It may also be difficult to catch your breath or take a full breath.
Physical exhaustion: Everything from headaches, migraines, muscle stiffness, joint pain, and overall weariness.
Another common complaint I hear from career grievers is cognitive disturbance: forgetfulness, memory loss, mucking up deadlines, and messing up priorities. It’s the one part of the grief experience that they have trouble hiding for longer periods of time.
I share these symptoms with you so you can check in with yourself. My intuition says that if you’ve read this far, then you may be concerned that you or someone you care about is grieving a professional setback and not realizing it. If that’s the case, stay curious and check with a doctor, therapist, or certified grief coach to get unique insights into your situation.
WHY STANDARD CAREER ADVICE DOESN’T WORK
One other thing I feel compelled to mention. Most career advice glosses right past the physical, emotional, and spiritual impact of a professional speed bump. The advice typically focuses on tactics like how to ATS-proof your resume or reach out to “loose” connections for job opportunities or complete an AI certification from MIT.
Building your career takes energy and resources. Unprocessed grief uses up energy and resources because you’re being forced to mask your pain in order to belong and “look fine.” So when you leap into tactics without giving yourself permission to mourn, you also drain willpower and resiliency.
So that’s why you feel exhausted, burned out, and cognitively challenged. Asking for advocacy, tailoring your resume, and upping your credentials are great, but they’re never going to stop the oozing of grief.
SOLID GROUND
I spent ten years grieving a professional setback without mourning, and it cost me. I don’t want you to ever go through that. And I certainly don’t want anyone to grieve a part of their career without support and guidance because that can be scary and lonely.
If any part of this sounds familiar, that’s exactly why I created Solid Ground, my membership community. It’s a place to make sense of what’s happened, name what was lost, and find your footing again. Each month, members receive a short video lesson, a reflection worksheet, live coaching, and access to a growing library of Career Conversations designed for people navigating change, disappointment, and professional heartbreak.
If you’d like to join us, simply become a paid member of Moonshot Mentor. Your paid membership includes full access to Solid Ground and everything inside the archive.
BOTTOM LINE
R.B., what I hope you walk away with is an understanding that sadness and grief are related, but they’re not the same thing. You can feel sad about many things: a disappointing meeting, a bad day, a non-constructive criticism.
Sadness becomes grief when there’s an attachment. A dream you invested in. A role that shaped your identity. A team that felt like home. A version of yourself you thought would always exist.
Sadness usually passes when the moment passes.
Grief tends to linger because your mind, body, and nervous system are trying to make sense of a loss that matters.
If you’ve been feeling exhausted, distracted, irritable, disconnected, or unable to move forward after a professional setback, don’t assume you’re burned out or failing to be resilient.
You may be grieving.
And if that’s true, the answer isn’t to come up with smarter tactics
The answer is to acknowledge what was lost and give yourself permission to mourn it.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
Here are 5 journal prompts for paid Moonshot Mentor members. If this article felt like it was for you, these questions can help you explore whether there may be grief underneath what you’ve been calling stress, burnout, or disappointment.
